Fumbling Toward Serenity

Happy Epiphany!

2012-01-06T07:13:00.000-08:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of January 1, 2012

I hope everyone had a great 12 days of Christmas! If you were celebrating Christmas old-school,you’d be at the end of nearly two leisurely weeks of visiting family,opening gifts, and eating, drinking, and being merry in general. The 12 days of Christmas ends on January 6and the holiday of Epiphany. Also called3 Kings Day, Epiphany commemorates the arrival of the Magi with gifts fornewborn Jesus. It can be celebrated bytaking down Christmas, doing something special for twelfth night, or leavingstraw under your bed for the Magi’s camels in exchange for little treats.

The origins of the word Epiphanymean “to manifest,” “to show,” or “reveal.” The Magi revealed the divinity of Jesus on Epiphany. Fast-forward a few thousand secular years,and the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines epiphany as (1) a usually sudden () perception of the essentialnature or meaning of something (2) : an intuitive grasp of reality through something () simple andstriking (3) : an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure. What a wonderful thing to celebrate!

An epiphany,breakthrough, sudden insight, or a-ha moment is an experience that makes usfeel better, sets our mind at ease, answers a question, or points out adirection. The 12 days of Christmasincludes New Years Day and New Years resolutions. Perhaps you can make a resolution to be an epiphany-seekeralong with the other goals on your list.

What flashes ofinsight would you like to experience this year? What do you hope to learn about yourself? How can you set yourself up to accidentallyfigure something out? Whether it’s beingbraver in the face of challenge, asking bolder questions, examining yourpositive core, or taking a risk, 2012 is as good a year as any to seek a littlepersonal enlightenment. Are youguaranteed that epiphany? No. Do some things never get answered? Yes. But living a life of self-examination and cautious bravery is reward byitself, and you never know what might happen.

Another way tocelebrate Epiphany might be to experiment with being a catalyst for someoneelse’s epiphany. Maybe you should callthat person who’s been on your mind all year. What if you called them at their perfect moment? Their “out of the blue, at just the righttime” moment? What random act ofkindness might make someone’s day particularly bright? An extra-big tip, $5 at the register for thenext customer’s purchase, knocking on a neighbor’s door with cookies. Or, have January 6 be Meaningful QuoteDay—where you hand out some of your favorite quotes to friends, coworkers, orfamily.

Sometimesepiphanies are once or twice in a lifetime experiences. Sometimes epiphanies rain down like a meteorshower. Some are examined, many areignored. Every year is a cleanslate—what do you want it to look like at the end? What is in your control to change, and areyou in the mood for change? Hopefully,you are not only making resolutions and setting goals on December 31. Change and self-improvement is an active,year-round process. What you resolve todo in January must be re-examined in April, July, October, weekly, monthly, ordaily. If it’s personal enlightenmentyou seek, be sure act accordingly year-round, and may it be a great year. Onward!

Nancy Goodman is a licensedcounselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. Nancy can be reached at 208-406-3234 or goodnanc@yahoo.com. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com.

Finding Joe, Finding You

2011-10-04T12:51:00.000-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of October 2, 2011

It is my hope that with the releaseof the film “Finding Joe” by Patrick Takaya Solomon starting on September 30,more people will be able to find themselves. Joseph Campbell, the subject of “Finding Joe,” found for us the commonthread that leads the way to a better life and our most authentic selves.

Joseph Campbell explored andexplained the blueprint for the human condition; the words, diagrams, dreams,stories, legends, religions that interconnect every individual human being onthe planet. That map, within ourcollective psychological hard-drive, he called the Hero’s Journey.

As a writer, speaker, consultant,and professor of Comparative Religion at Sarah Lawrence College, Campbell drewup the basic story, or “Monomyth,” that is the Hero’s Journey. Which, once you understand it, you seeeverywhere. Because it’s the story wesee in most films, fiction, religion, comic books, myths and legends, with thesame central character—you.

We are the person at the center ofall those stories. Those adventureshappen to us. Those challenges happen tous. We encounter the same roadblocks andvillains. We are the hero in our ownstory—so how do you want your story to end?

Campbell describes the formula,which is really pretty simple. Followthe path that is the scariest one imaginable for you, if you haven’t alreadybeen forced upon it. Which is the roadthat leads into the darkest and creepiest parts of the forest? That’s the one you take. There is a reason why these roads aretypically the ones less traveled; who wants to die from fear?

But Campell also shows us whathappens next. We meet allies. We are greeted at the gates of theunknown. Whether it’s wand-shopping in Diagon Alley,finding a ride at Mos Eisley Cantina, or tap-dancing with Munchkins at thestart of the Yellow Brick Road, we are quickly shown we are not on the journeyalone.

Not that it’s ultimately any lessterrifying. After the Prancing Pony isMount Doom. And how do you survive thejourney, to make it where you want to go? In the story of our lives, how do we leave our abusive partner? Start that business? Cope with losing a job? Follow your bliss, as Campbell said?

Through “ trials and revelations,”Campbell states in his interviews with Bill Moyers in “The Power of Myth.” We have experiences along the way, good andbad, that teach us something about ourselves. We learn we have hidden strengths. We learn we’re smarter than we thought. We grow stronger and more resilient every time we pick ourselves off thefloor, no matter how hard we fell. “Where you stumble, there lies your treasure,” Campbell says.

There’s great reward in getting tothe end of the journey and claiming our treasure, except there’s usually a hugedragon guarding it. That smelly, snarly,lethal animal is our ego. It’s usgetting in our own way. So, how do we evolveemotionally to claim what we deserve? Letting go, building trust, asking for help, making importantchanges. And, having faith.

As long as we are alive, there islight at the end of every darkness. Andthat light, often times, is coming from a disco ball at the huge party of your better,bigger life that waits on the other side of your scariest thingimaginable. Campbell explains we allhave the strength and stamina for our own heroic journeys, and we can rely onstories of humankind to point the way. Onward!

Nancy Goodman is a licensedcounselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. Nancy can be reached at 406-3234 or goodnanc@yahoo.com. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com.

The Spirituality of Fisher-Price

2011-07-01T16:54:00.000-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of July 3, 2011

The other day, I started playing around with my baby’s Chakras. Chakras are, for those who believe, energy centers/channels that line up along the human spine and head—starting at our tailbone and launching off the top of our noggin into the heavens. This exercise in my kitchen was inspired by the pyramid-of-colored-plastic-donuts-on-a-stick toy. Come to find out, my baby is quite adept at balancing these plastic rings all over her body while laying on her back. For like, 10 seconds, she had the blue and yellow rings balanced on her forehead before she got distracted by the cupboard and flung them off.

The ring stack itself is organized with the biggest, blue ring on the bottom, followed with smaller rings of green, yellow, orange, and red, like a rainbow. But on my 6 month-old baby girl, laying there with her vast, un-imprinted consciousness and her mystic and physical energy flowing up and down and all around perfectly inside her body, I tried to arrange the colors to best align her for the life’s adventure of keeping that system organized and healthy.

The green ring sat low on her tummy. Green represents the earth, terra firma, Gaia. On grown-ups, this lowest Chakra at our tailbone is that which grounds us, reminds us of that biological, global connection. Further up her belly was orange—because orange is the only color that we eat. We don’t eat anything called a yellow, we don’t eat anything called a purple. Orange, in our ring-balancing game, represented that which physically nourishes the body.

Right in the middle was red. Now, when I was playing with this classic toy many, many years ago, this smallest ring was a solid red. In the new millennium version, half this ring is red, and the other half is clear, revealing a swirly, shiny design with plastic beads that rattles when it is shaken.

The center of the body, approximately our torso area, is sometimes referred to as our “power core;” where we feel emotions, where we have “gut” intuitions, where our heart beats and spirit lives. So this spangly, bright, center ring is my baby’s good stuff—who she knows herself to be, and where she connects with whatever transcendent force lives beyond her fairy eyelashes and tiny toes. Since she’s maybe 2 feet long at the moment, this red ring also covers her mouth—where she voices her opinions about her senses, often sounding like a Pterodactyl.

Then we have the blue and yellow rings, in succession. The yellow ring on top is what the red ring wants to connect with. This yellow ring is our inner light, it is life and illumination, it is what lies beyond, it is God, it is Nirvana. And in-between is the largest, blue ring—for the vast, blue sky. Ideally, that sky is crystal clear, and the red and yellow rings have no problem being aligned with each other. But sometimes, as grown-ups, that sky gets dark and polluted, and our bright, bedazzled selves lose sight of who we are and where we want to go. This will happen to my child at some point, it happens to everyone.

But hopefully she’ll absorb the lessons of the plastic donuts, and live a life that is tall, energized, and balanced. And when she does flip or jerk, and the colors scatter all over the place, hopefully she’ll know that she’s got what it takes to get everything back in order—which is also true of everyone. Onward!

Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. She can be contacted at goodnanc@yahoo.com or 208-406-3234. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com.

Light vs. Darkness

2011-06-28T11:59:00.000-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News June, 2011

“Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

In conversations about fear, and what there is to be afraid of, there’s always the notion that people can be afraid of such things as success, happiness, or stability. And there are lots of self-sabotaging strategies that can be employed to ensure we aren’t successful, happy, or calm. We can do big things, like being attracted to mean people or always being late for a great job, or we can do smaller things—like procrastinating, cheating on a healthy diet, or staying in our comfort zones. What does it mean to be afraid of doing well, and why do we do it?

One thing that comes to mind when I think of why I might be afraid of my own “light,” is the possibility that my greatness can fall apart at any moment. That everything I’ve built up is so fragile that one false move, one mistake, and I’ve ruined it all. Sometimes fear comes from thinking “OK, I’m brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous—now what? How do I stay fabulous? Am I as fabulous today as I was yesterday? What if I do something un-fabulous?” It’s almost as if my awareness of my assets is enough to disassemble them.

It can take a lot of work to step into our own light and stay there. By stepping into our own light, we acknowledge our strengths, connections, accomplishments, and talents with calm permission and acceptance. It’s not about being better than anyone else; in fact, most people with self-esteem issues are lucky to feel equal to anyone at all. The assumption of Williamson, and many others in the field of psycho-spirituality, is that everyone—every living person—has lightness and brilliance, just waiting to be acknowledged. It’s there, whether we want to enjoy it or not.

Staying in our light means changing our assumptions. We want to assume we are loved for who we are, not the details of what we do. We want to assume that everyone is perfect and imperfect in unique ways and for unique reasons. We want to assume that setbacks are information guideposts and nothing more. I recently heard the quote “falling on your face is still moving forward.” Sometimes brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous people have missteps and bad days. But these mistakes don’t change anything about who we are at the core.

It can be as hard to see in bright light as it is to see in total darkness, but our eyes adjust accordingly, and the view is miraculous once we get used to it. So shine, play big, and stay connected to your inner greatness. Onward!

Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. Nancy can be contacted at 208-406-3234 or goodnanc@yahoo.com. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com.

Earth Day

2011-06-28T11:57:00.000-07:00

Published in the Blackfoot Morning News, April 2011

Earth Day is upon us. Every April 22, we focus our attention to the state of our environment. We learn the reduce-reuse-recycle options. We learn how to better conserve our water. We plan neighborhood gardens, explore solar energy, eat organic, and walk barefoot in the grass. April 22 is about protecting the Earth.

As if the Earth needs our protection. The idea that we need to protect the earth and environment has long seemed silly to me. The environment will survive us. We are puny carbon-based life forms spreading like a cancer across the terra firma, with no real end in sight, it seems. But are we more powerful than the natural forces on this planet? I doubt it.

When I think of the Earth’s resiliency, my imagination floats to the bottom of the ocean. Perhaps you’ve seen the pictures—strange, luminescent fish and other creatures, thriving miles below the ocean’s surface. Can humankind cause enough damage that will reach those depths? Even if we manage to blast and outbreed every form of life on the surface, what of these “Gaia’s reserves” living far beyond our reach? Perhaps the fish swimming around the wreck of the Titanic today are the elephants and orangutans of tomorrow. Perhaps the microorganisms hanging out by deep sea volcanos will someday, a bazillion years from now, evolve, rise up, and flop themselves on the shore of a brand new world. A world that has finally shaken us off.

I don’t know what we’re doing here on this planet. I just know it’s a blessing to live in this small cocoon that somehow sustains us in the infinite, cold void of the universe. We have the responsibility of being stewards of the environment, and we also have the brain power to do it right. But when it comes to environmental issues, it seems you are either preaching to the choir or preaching to a brick wall. There are those who recycle and leave no trace and monitor their carbon footprint, and those who throw garbage out the windows on the highway and see our natural resources as a genetically-altered cash cow. We humans, wherever we come from it seems, manage the environment like a rowdy 6-year old—much better at breaking and destroying things, and quite grumpy at the thought of having to clean it all up.

Earth Day is about cleaning up the environment, and it can also be about cleaning up our act. Sometimes, we have to control what we can and let the rest go. By changing ourselves we change the world—at least the little worlds we live in individually. So what little changes might you want to make—what garbage would you like to take out once and for all, what thorough cleansing is long overdue? Happier people make healthier choices, and how can a day celebrating the beauty of this planet be a catalyst for a cleaner, gentler frame of mind?

Whether you visit an environmental fair, resolve to buy local produce, or spend a day hiking in the woods, Earth Day is a great opportunity to ponder the miracle and mystery of life. This planet is alive; Gaia naturally recycles, naturally restores, naturally sustains. We each, individually, share this immense power—we can initiate change, and tap into the endless supply of intellect, creativity, and spirit for the betterment of ourselves and those in our orbits. If enough people did that, what an environment we would create. Onward!

Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. Fumbling Toward Serenity currently runs every other week. 208-406-3234, goodnanc@yahoo.com. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com.

Emotional tics

2011-06-28T11:49:00.000-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal June, 2011

Sometimes it’s good to take out the trash. In your head. There are many emotional “tics” that can get in the way of our well-being; and perhaps occur low enough under the radar that they’ll hang out forever unless we sweep them out of the corners and haul them to the curb. These aren’t emotional patterns that point towards any mental health problem in particular; but just quietly sit there, chipping away at our well being. What are some of these patterns that might easily be recognized, and in doing so clear the way for a better frame of mind?

Self-deprecating language. Woody Allen makes a lot of money poking fun at himself, but we don’t. If you’re trying to raise the bar on your level of self-confidence, making yourself the subject of trash-talk is a behavior that should change. Maybe it’s been a way of fitting in, maybe it’s been a way of seeming humble, maybe it’s been a way to end an argument. But it’s not a way to feel good about yourself. Sometimes, we do too good a job of keeping ourselves in “our place.” One-down, less valid than other people, staying small and avoiding attention. Try taking thoughts such as “I’m so stupid sometimes,” “I’m an idiot for making that mistake,” or “I look hideous in this outfit” and turning them around to reflect something positive—such as “well, that’s something new I’ve learned,” “I needed that in order to improve,” or “I love the colors on this shirt.”

Judgment of others. Few things are better at sucking one into negativity quicksand than saying bad things about other people. We don’t have to be in a Buddha-like state where we are unconditionally accepting and compassionate towards everyone at all times, although that is a very valid lifetime goal. But negative energy is negative energy, and whether you’re tearing down strangers across the room or ruminating on those who have done you wrong, that is time that can be better spent. It might feel really good to participate in this activity, but why? If it’s because bashing others makes you feel better about yourself or evokes feelings of vindication or catharsis, there are other, more productive and positive ways to accomplish those states of mind. Asking yourself why judging others makes you feel good might help identify areas where you feel bad—and then you can tackle those areas directly.

Freaking out about the future. Sigh. There it is, the future. Hazy, unknown, scary, and full of dread, disappointment, disaster, or failure--if we let it be. The future hangs in front of us with mystery and surprises, and no matter what, we can’t know the future until we get there. But we sure can waste a lot of time in the present trying otherwise. If we’re preoccupied with what’s ahead, we miss out on what’s here and now. Which can be very nice—with all the friends, family, hobbies, or vocations wanting and deserving some of your attention. Making demands of the future is a futile practice—and letting go of that frees one to fully appreciate the goodness in life today.

Self-confidence, compassion, and contentment are healthy emotional aspirations, but require a bit of cleaning house if you have messy thought patterns that get in the way. Being nice to ourselves and others in the present moment are skills we should have been born with—but there’s nothing stopping anyone from developing those skills now. Onward!

Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. Nancy can be reached at 208-406-3234 or goodnanc@yahoo.com. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com.

Mind-Body-Spirit-Baby

2011-06-28T11:46:00.001-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal June, 2011

The mind-body-spirit connection has long been a favorite subject of mine. So far, I’m maybe at the kindergarten level, but sometimes the ABC’s of something are really all you need to know.

Basically, it’s widely believed by people with lots of letters after their names so it’s OK, that the feelings stored up in our head—happy, sad, nervous, mad--resonate physically in the body somehow, and vice versa. Meantime, our spirit, whatever that is, gets bumped about while trying to head in a very specific direction.

On my list of “Things They Don’t Tell You About Pregnancy and Babies Before You are Pregnant,” a few conceivable side effects of pregnancy are carpal tunnel syndrome and Bell’s palsy, and I got both. Very thankfully, they were temporary. However, there was a period of time, when I couldn’t fully smile or feel with my right hand, that the concept of numbness got in my face, so to speak. With my ABC’s of the mind-body-spirit connection, I took this to mean, what needs to go numb in my head, already? What parts of my self-directed chatter do I want permanently paralyzed and silenced? What negative nonsense must be frozen, immediately, because I’ve got a sane person to raise? Sometimes numbness is a good thing—especially if it makes room for all the wonderful thoughts, experiences, and feelings that come with the new adventure of parenthood.

Another physical experience I had with my pregnancy was afterpains—what you feel when your uterus starts to shrink back to normal size. Sometimes they are delayed, sometimes they are crazy painful, and I got both. With a new c-section. One minute I’m snuggling with my 2 week old newborn, next minute I’m doubled over crawling on my hands and knees trying to find the phone so I can call labor and delivery to tell them I’m having contractions, I’m coming in, have the epidural ready. Bouts of these afterpains and recovery kept me trapped on the couch for nearly two months. The afterpains were often triggered by exertion, as if someone were saying “let’s see you try and do too much and be superwoman when you’re crawling out of the shower, hoping you can get to the bed.” Be still, woman! Cultivate dependence and ask for help! Slow down like you mean it, or else.

So deleting all that icky self-talk and taking it easy are the lessons in front of me, my best-guess insight left over from temporary physical issues. And so far, I’ve fallen on my face about 3000 times trying to get these lessons straight. It’s not like I haven’t seen this curriculum before, either. Pesky shape-shifting dragons. You slay them dead in one situation, only to have them rise again in another.

Perhaps our bodies do know. If nothing else, playing the mind-body-spirit game—trying to connect the dots between physical, emotional, and spiritual states--shines the spotlight on issues we should be working on anyway. My hand and face are back to normal and I’m walking around again. That late pregnancy and early post-partum period are already fading from my memory—those days of wrist braces, funny faces, steroids and ibuprofen. What I hope to remember is how my past experiences with pain and discomfort might relieve me of pain and discomfort in the future, as long as I take these self-perceived lessons to heart and do what I think my body was telling me to do. Onward!

Shake Your Money-Makers--Wet Nursing in the New Millennium

2011-03-07T10:13:00.000-08:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News, week of March 6, 2011

So, I had a baby. And it’s everything they said it would be. I’m pretty sure I have the most perfect, amazing baby that has ever been born, and she is a delight even when she’s screaming at 3:00 am. Getting to know this sweet-smelling, cooing, squirmy bundle of collective unconsciousness has created a profound shift in my life. Since I have baby-related, mind-blowing epiphanies about as often as I change a diaper these days, I don’t really even know where to start. So I’ll jump right in.

What is the deal with breastfeeding? There are many, many things you learn about pregnancy, parenting, and babies that nobody told you during your childless days. Like that you are actually pregnant 10 months, not 9 months. I imagined breastfeeding to mirror that scene in Blue Lagoon where Emmeline accidentally lowers her newborn baby near her breast and he starts nursing like a pro. This is not how it works.

So I learned about latching and duck-lips and the football hold, and after a few days, my baby and I figured it out. However, she lost over a pound that first week, and was supplemented with formula from that point on. By supplemented I mean, she would nurse for an hour or so, then slam 4 ounces of formula like she was starving. And in spite of several weeks of pumping and taking Reglan and Blessed Thistle and Fenugreek and considering standing on my head to increase my milk production, I have had to come to terms that I am lactationally challenged.

What has surprised me is how sensitive an issue this has become for me. I’ve felt guilt, I’ve felt sadness, I’ve felt frustration with this reality. I’ve even read comment threads from strangers on baby websites looking for support, or validation, or permission to give it up. What I’ve also felt is resentment that undue pressure is put on women like me--that if I can’t breast feed my own child, I have no other option than to hit the grocery store shelves in shame. Never mind that my clean, sober, nonmedicated, nonsmoking, healthy eater lactating neighbor is soaking her socks every time a child cries across the room. I think it’s interesting that womankind will allow this precious and ample resource get pumped-and-dumped, and choose to financially support a formula industry instead of each other.

In my mind, there is a village. In this village, wet nursing is not an elitist, class dividing, oppressive, perverse, unsafe, vilified practice that it seems to be everywhere else across time and culture. In this pre-formula village, if a woman like me was at risk of her child starving on the teets, help would be available. Maybe women like me don’t make enough breast milk for a reason. Maybe it means we’re meant to do something else. And in this village, this reality is no big deal, because there are plenty of women who are more than happy to siphon off their leftovers.

Sometimes I’m not sure what kind of feminist I am. Maybe I’m a neo-feminist, maybe I’m not a feminist at all. I believe in selective reproductive and paternal rights for men. I believe women in the workplace have just as much to fear from other women as they do from men. And I believe that the first woman or group of women who open an organic, local, fair-trade, certified-safe breast milk store will make a fortune sellin’ that liquid gold. Onward!

Nancy Goodman, LPC is taking her lessons from the universe and taking it easy. Fumbling Toward Serenity currently runs every other week. goodnanc@yahoo.com, 406-3234. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com.

Welcome to the world, baby girl!

2011-02-03T09:43:00.001-08:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of December 26, 2010

There’s a tool in counseling practice known as immediacy. Basically, immediacy brings a counseling session into the very specific present moment, focuses on the counseling relationship, and a counselor might say something like “I can see what I’ve said has made you angry/sad/confused, let’s talk more about that.” As an artistic tool, I’ve never been a fan of immediacy—my husband and I often joke about musicians who sing about how they are currently playing their guitar, or some such thing. And I don’t typically like to write in the present moment either—“as I write this column…”. Although today, December 23, one day before my usual Friday deadline, I must take exception to this preference. Because as I write this column, I am in a labor and delivery hospital bed being induced to deliver my baby girl.

Some days do not go as planned, especially when you are 38+ weeks pregnant. Today, I was supposed to visit the OB doc at 9:00 am, spend some time leisurely writing my “hey guess what I’m pregnant” column, and then had lunch plans. Instead, since come to find out I’ve had a slow amniotic fluid leak for the last few days, it’s time for baby girl to enter the world. While I am sure there will be times today I’ll be intensely lamenting that missed sushi combo, I can’t think of a better way to get out of last-minute Christmas shopping.

What I’ve loved about this pregnancy, and of being a first-time mother at 40 years of age, has been both the experience of immediacy—what is going on with me and my body, right now--and the concept of letting go of the need to stick to a plan. It wasn’t my plan to be single until 35. It wasn’t my plan to lose my job five seconds after I got engaged, and to start married life at 37 with a master’s degree, nearly 10 years professional experience, and envy of a minimum-wage salary. Motherhood was always a hazy mirage on the horizon—was that going to be my destiny, or not? Did I even want it to be?

It has only been in the last year that I’ve known that answer to be “yes.” As in, “yes, and hurry up about it.” Sometimes, it works to put my life choices to the “deathbed” test. When I am 120 years old, laying on my deathbed after a vibrant, long life, will I look back and have any regrets? Will I wish I had done this or that thing? It’s so easy to get swallowed up in all the fears of the present moment—but when I looked at the big picture of my life desires, the decision to go for baby was ultimately an easy one.

Not that this decision removed any fears. Just because we choose a brave path doesn’t mean it’s not fraught with fear, insecurity, and doubt. But the experience of transcending that fear, of saying “yes” to the adventure, brings rewards and joy that can’t be obtained otherwise.

I’m sure the experience of motherhood, and combining motherhood with career, family, and personal development, will take the concept of “fumbling toward serenity” to a whole new level. I can’t wait to incorporate this wisdom, and slew of new mistakes, into new columns starting March, 2011. Until then, may your new year be blessed with a little fear and uncertainty—it may very well mean you’re on exactly the right path. Onward!

Nancy Goodman is on maternity leave. Fumbling Toward Serenity will return in March, 2011. Past columns are available at http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com; Nancy can be reached at goodnanc@yahoo.com.

Top Ten Ways to Enjoy a Fabulous Single Life Until You Meet The One, # 6

2010-11-26T12:29:00.000-08:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of November
28, 2010

During my long and progressively less neurotic days (thank heavens) of being single, I developed a list called “Top Ten Ways to Enjoy a Fabulous Single Life Until You Meet The One.” This list helped me keep focus on the positive aspects of my life, and helped fill in the empty space that a life-partner did eventually occupy.

Number ten on the list is “Take every opportunity there is to go out, or stay in, even if it’s by yourself,” number nine is, “Get adopted by happy healthy couples,” and number eight asks the question “How well does the romantic partner fit in with your amazing friends and family who love you and want you to be happy?” Number seven is, in summary, “Don’t require more than an hour to welcome people into a neat, tidy home,” and since the best gift you can give to yourself this holiday season is the gift of your authentic self, number six is “Be yourself unabashedly.”

Part of the challenge of being single, if you don’t want to be single, is really shoring up who you are, and loving every bit of it. Do you have unusual or arcane hobbies? That’s great! Is your family tree twisted, broken, or fresh off the traveling sideshow circuit? How colorful!

In many ways, the early stages of dating in my past have felt like job interviews—trying to be the perfect person that the total stranger sitting across from me has in mind. It’s exhausting and ingenuine, and it’s best to love and show-off who you truly are from the very beginning.

Part of dating and being single is dealing with rejection. It seems there are two factors that cause rejection distress in the single life—dealing with feelings of loneliness and loss, and shredding yourself to pieces trying to find what’s wrong with you that explains why you are still single. Loneliness, sadness, and loss are normal, occasional feelings to have when you are on the quest for something that eludes you. However, beating yourself up and obsessing over perceived flaws is not healthy, not productive, and causes undeserved and unnecessary additional pain. If you commit to loving your imperfect, quirky self, hopefully you can reduce the sad times and minimize the damage that comes with rejection, when it occurs.

Being yourself unabashedly does have its limits, in my mind. We all have areas of improvement that dating experiences might be shining a spotlight on. Maybe you drink too much or have other socially frowned-upon habits. Maybe your home is a constant disaster area. Maybe you’re dysfunctionally disorganized, negative, needy, judgmental, ungroomed, or angry. It can sometimes be a lot to expect that someone new in your life will accommodate habits and traits that fall outside of what might be considered healthy or appropriate. If you want to be in a relationship with a bright, positive person, focusing some attention on more glaring areas of development will help increase your confidence, and reduce the barriers that might be standing in the way of a sustainable love connection.

Maybe the hardest step to being yourself unabashedly is figuring out who you are in the first place. This can be a process that involves introspection, list-making, or accepting positive feedback from others. Not every romantic interest will appreciate or feel connected to you, and that’s OK. What’s most important is fully being who you are, and knowing how much you have to offer the person who does. Onward!

Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. For questions, please contact Nancy at 208-406-3234 or goodnanc@yahoo.com. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com.

Thanks-giving rituals

2010-11-19T09:55:00.000-08:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of November 21, 2010

Gobble gobble, turkey hangover wobble. It’s interesting to me that a holiday with such a strong name—“Thanksgiving,” doesn’t have a lot of built-in traditions or meaningful rituals. With other holidays this time of year, there is at least the pretense of ceremony. You go to midnight mass on Christmas, you light candles on Channukah. But what do we do on Thanksgiving—the day, supposedly, to give thanks, to express gratitude, to consider the blessings in your life?

We cook a huge, over-the-top meal, watch football, and strategize the best Black Friday shopping route.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that, necessarily. But in general, aside from a quick go-round at the table expressing what you are thankful for, what emotional or spiritual substance is built into this holiday? Maybe not much.

What I love about situations that lack ritual or have rituals that lack true significance is, we can make up anything that suits us personally. I like ritual--slowing down and honoring a concept through a planful ceremony or activity. Rituals can easily be made up; and here are some that might bring more meaning to your Thanksgiving gathering.

Give thanks for your health by getting out and taking a walk, run, or hike on Thanksgiving day. 5K Turkey Trots are held all over the country, and Southeast Idaho is no exception. For more information on the 2010 Portneuf Valley Turkey Trot, visit the United Way website at www.unitedwaysei.org. A simple stroll through the neighborhood with your holiday guests can be a great reminder that, given a shaky economy, uncertain job prospects, and ever-changing governance, our greatest asset is the health of our physical body. Maybe find some nice fall leaves and foliage to take home and use as décor on your Thanksgiving table.

Give thanks for Mother Nature by planting flower bulbs. Providing the ground isn’t frozen, tulip, daffodil, crocus, or hyacinth bulbs can be planted with abandon on Thanksgiving day. This individual or group activity can be a way to give thanks for the warm days behind us, and a way to honor with anticipation the warm, colorful days ahead. Thanksgiving might also be a great day to get indoor plants started; snip off and plant the babies from your spider plants or transfer your mature plants to larger pots before digging into the green bean casserole.

Give thanks for your friends and family by creating affirmation books for everyone gathered around the Thanksgiving table. The simplest way is to fold a few pages of blank paper in half and stapling the folded edge, creating a blank booklet. Each guest writes their name on the front of a book, and passes their blank book around to everyone else. Everyone then spends a few minutes writing positive thoughts, observations, gratitude statements, or well-wishes about the person whose name is on the front cover. So, while you are writing in someone’s booklet, someone is writing in yours, and so on, until each guest has written in each book. The end result is a group of happy and validated people who leave with a keepsake filled with wonderful thoughts written just for them.

Thanksgiving is a holiday with ethically and ethnically questionable origins, and it doesn’t have to be more than a way to carbo-load before the official holiday shopping season. But, if you want to infuse a little more meaning into the day of Thanks-giving, there are as many ways to do so as there will be side dishes on your holiday table. Onward!

Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. For questions, please contact Nancy at 208-406-3234 or goodnanc@yahoo.com. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com.

Self-esteem and gratitude

2010-10-22T10:54:00.000-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of October 24, 2010

There are many advantages to adopting an “attitude of gratitude.” Being consciously and deeply grateful for what we have is emotionally helpful in so many ways. Gratitude anchors us in the present moment; where we can identify and count everything that is working well in our lives right now, instead of lurching back and forth between disappointments of the past or fears of the future. Gratitude allows everything good in life to rise to the surface and step into the forefront, right where these types of things belong. We can be grateful for so much—health, good friends, adventures, life experiences, a car that runs, feelings of safety.

There are many unhealthy states of mind that can interfere with the experience of gratitude. I’ve often considered greed, impatience, or entitlement to be the types of beliefs that not only block gratitude, but have the potential to cause harm to others. It’s also recently occurred to me how internal attitudes such as guilt, shame, insecurity, or social nervousness can be barriers to gratitude as well. These self-esteem issues don’t necessarily harm anyone but us—nobody would notice anything off-putting except perhaps overuse of the term “you shouldn’t have.” But these issues certainly can keep attention away from all the gifts and blessings of life, and what a personal loss that is.

Sometimes, at least for me, it’s actually hard to accept when good things happen—when someone is nice, when someone offers help, when someone is attentive and interested. Depending on where I am in my life—if I’m feeling confident or insecure, empowered or helpless, an act of kindness or generosity can catapult me into feelings of guilt, shame, or insecurity. So there I am, wallowing in self-inflicted and unnecessary emotional turmoil, missing out on the reality that I have wonderful people in my life and I should be floating on a cloud of grace, peace, and contentment. How silly.

By feeling insecure or paranoid about others’ positive actions, we miss out on feeling grateful for being liked and supported. By feeling guilty about not meeting ridiculously high social and familial standards, we miss out on feeling grateful for being appreciated and accepted, just the way we are. If we experience social anxiety that comes from making up negative fantasies about what other people are thinking, we miss out on being grateful that other people sincerely enjoy our company. If I feel shame or embarrassment for not being able to provide every single thing for myself by myself when accepting help, I ignore the part of me that would step up to help someone in need without giving it a second thought, and being grateful for these personal characteristics. Being grateful is such a centering, validating state of mind, but we can’t express or experience deep gratitude for things about ourselves and our lives that we deny.

Life is pretty simple--if people are being nice to you, it’s because they like you. If you are receiving blessings, it’s because you deserve it. If you are being offered help, it’s because you are naturally inclined to pay it forward, and aren’t you lucky to have people in your life who want to support you. Over-thinking these realities is energy wasted. By shedding self-deprecating beliefs, you open the doors to life as it really is. When that dark curtain is lifted, at least for me, it evokes an abundant and grateful attitude, indeed. Onward!

Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. For questions or to schedule a free consultation (in-person or over the telephone), please contact Nancy at 208-406-3234 or goodnanc@yahoo.com. http://vocatusidaho.blogspotcom

When workplace bullies attack

2010-10-08T14:43:00.000-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of October 10, 2010

The modern workplace is plenty stressful—budget cuts, reorganizations, shifting profit margins. And there are many valid reasons why work stress might leak out beyond the front lobby—deadlines, product roll-outs, natural competition, and other career realities that excite and energize a motivated worker to do their best. But any human system with more than one person in it has the potential for corruption. People are people; with our insecurities, varying belief systems about fair play, and unhealthy social habits that have no place in one’s personal life, much less at work. These days, many underhanded, negative, and hurtful job-related shenanigans are falling under the umbrella of workplace bullying.

Workplace bullying can be generally defined as physically or emotionally abusive behavior directed towards an employee that transcends rank and race, gender, or other legal classifications of worker. Bullying behavior can include yelling, put-downs in front of coworkers, work or career sabotage, intimidation, or humiliation. According to Dr. Gary Namie and the Workplace Bullying Institute (www.workplacebullying.org), approximately 35% of American workers have been or are currently affected by workplace bullying. Bullying can cause PTSD, depression, family problems, high-blood pressure, and other physical, social, and emotional issues. Bullying can cost an employer a fortune in increased sick leave, reduced productivity, and the loss of talented, experienced employees.

Because what happens more often than not is, the bullying target quits or gets fired. The hemorrhaging of talent because of bullying is a grossly dysfunctional cost of doing business. In general, the bullying target is better off anywhere else, and an employer who promotes bullying (because inaction = permission) deserves the loss and cost.

So what happens next for the recovering bullied target? Ideally, there is a better, more amazing job somewhere else. But does the ego-slaying emotional impact of inappropriate and unethical workplace behavior magically dissolve with a bright, shiny new job or venture? It would take an almost inhuman amount of self-esteem to fully weather an abusive work experience. Workplace bullying, even if it happened in the past, might leave behind issues that will take time to be resolved. It could be a cautious process to prevent the ghosts of workplaces past from interfering with the excitement and possibility of the workplace present and future.

Recovering from an abusive workplace can be similar to recovering from an abusive relationship. Being forced against the living room wall or feeling backed against your cubicle wall can leave similar scars. Emotional wounds such as loss of confidence, failure to remember your gifts and strengths, and inability to find the self-worth necessary to stand up for yourself. Lack of trust; feeling the possibility of betrayal around every corner. Or intense self-consciousness—are you saying the perfect thing, dressing the perfect way, are you meeting approval, what are the new people in your life noticing and saying about you?

For the workplace-wounded, it might be helpful to remember there was a time when work was fun. A time when things made sense, when your professional life was supported by honesty and integrity. Healthy, functional work environments do exist, and every new business card, uniform, or signature on a paycheck brings with it the opportunity for a fresh start and renewed positive attitude about yourself and work. Bouncing back up after being knocked down at work can be a challenging process; but with continuing support of family, friends, or wellness professionals, it’s possible to jump out of bed looking forward to your work day once again. Onward!

Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. For questions or to schedule a free consultation (in-person or over the telephone), please contact Nancy at 208-406-3234 or goodnanc@yahoo.com. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com

Yeahbut...

2010-10-01T11:08:00.000-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of October 3, 2010

There’s a silly little word that reflects feelings of resistance, and it’s often said so quietly we almost don’t notice it’s being said at all. It’s a word that blocks every path of possibility, effectively shutting down options and creative solutions. That word is “yeahbut.” As in, “Yeahbut you don’t know my particular situation,” “Yeahbut I could never make that happen,” or “Yeahbut I lack this or that resource.”

Every gutsy venture, whether it be in relationships, business, education, or career, carries with it implied risk and possibility for failure. We know that—it’s a given, yet it’s all too easy to throw a yeahbut in front of every possibility for change and improvement. Yeahbut beliefs can be created by many things—fear, feelings of hopelessness, and perhaps even an unconscious automatic response to change. What else might be causing us to have a bad case of the yeahbuts?

Lack of information. Does anyone magically know all the small details of starting a business the moment an idea is conceived? Are we supposed to know everything about financial aid forms, admission requirements, prerequisites, or campus locations when we first consider returning to school? Are we born knowing the phone numbers and locations of domestic violence shelters, community resources, or support groups should we ever need to leave an abusive relationship? Of course not. Much of resistance to things that might be good for us stems from all the things we don’t know. But information has never been easier to access than it is today. You’re not committing to anything by peeking in a phone book or asking an expert--even if for now you’re just gathering information for information’s sake.

The stretching of your comfort zone. It’s an ancient response to have a reaction like “hark, who goes there?” or “en garde!!” when something new enters our life. Resistance to things that threaten our individual status quos is a natural, protective reaction, and heeding those instincts has been a useful survival tactic. But many times, we outgrow the safety of our comfort zones, and insisting on making do with these cramped quarters by yeahbutting back anything new or novel can be to our detriment in the long run. Resistance to change is a normal initial reaction, but consider if prolonged resistance is having a negative effect on your life’s course.

Self-esteem triggers. Yeahbuts might be rooted in deep, automatic beliefs about yourself that are based on bad data—someone saying you were worthless when you were a child, a partner pointing out your weaknesses rather than your assets. Every belief we have about ourselves or how we’re supposed to behave in life can be reevaluated at any time; it’s a remarkable freedom. We can choose to make positive decisions about our true nature that make change possible and dreams attainable, and that crack open doors that appear sealed shut. A lack of self-confidence will create barriers at every turn; but self-confidence can be cultivated over time, and this may be a vital first step to being open and welcoming of change and adventure.

Another made-up word I like to replace with yeahbut is “hmmaybe.” By saying hmmaybe we let some possibility in, flirt with the idea of accepting new information, and peek around a dark corner or two. Next time you find yourself automatically shutting down options, hmmaybe a more flexible and curious mindset can bring you closer to a life that really suits you. Onward!

Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. For questions or to schedule a free consultation (in-person or over the telephone), please contact Nancy at 208-406-3234 or goodnanc@yahoo.com. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com.

Proactive health

2010-09-24T16:32:00.001-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of September 26, 2010

We’re entering our prime eating season, starting when Halloween candy and baking supplies line the shelves in mid-September, and lasting until the chocolate in the heart-shaped boxes finally disappears by end of February. That’s six months of hard-core eating cycles. Everyone’s afraid of gaining weight and turning into mush during the holidays, but the yumminess and lethargy of fall and winter can be offset with a little discipline and balance. Discipline and balance we should start practicing now, because that kind of thing doesn’t happen overnight.

This is not a very proactive culture; we love solving problems, and most of the time we can only do that if we create problems. It might seem strange to be thinking of Christmas dinner in September, but the holiday retail machine is kicking into high gear and it’s going to be forced upon our consciousness soon enough anyway. The idea of being proactive is seeing the result you want well in advance, and taking the time that is necessary to make it happen. Instead of visualizing how you’re going to lose all that weight after the peak eating and laying-around-watching-football seasons, why not implement a plan so you don’t worry about weight-gain in the first place?

One way is start a moderate exercise pattern of some sort, and assuming it’s always more fun to exercise outdoors, there’s no better time to start than when we’re finally not driven inside by 10:00 am because of the summer heat. In a four-season climate, the opportunities for comfortable outdoor exercise are nearly always on the brink of transition—it’s always going to become too hot or too cold pretty soon. Fortunately, at the same time we are beckoned by candy corn and peanut butter chews, we are also beckoned by brightly colored leaves covering sidewalks and forested trails and sunny, not-too-warm days. You don’t have to train for the Olympics or maneuver yourself around strange metal machines to develop a taste for exercise. A really simple way to fight the gravity of your couch is to take a walk. Challenge those knees, stretch those stiff legs. Take a comfortable walk a few times a week, now while the weather is her most flexible and forgiving. Maybe break into a jog if you’re so inclined. Enjoy those deep breaths, meditate on your heartbeat.

Now’s also a good time to examine your grocery list. How many natural foods with only a few ingredients are on it? It doesn’t cost a fortune to have a healthy diet—whole wheat pastas and breads, beans, produce, and low-processed sweet or salty snacks likely stand up dollar to dollar against frozen dinners, sugared/fortified/subsidized/pre-prepared food items, and discount drive-thru menus. I’m as likely to indulge in the ice cream aisle or eat lunch in my car as the next person, but I know what’s coming during the next several months. I want a countertop lined with treats to be the exception rather than the rule. I want to bust a gut with friends and family and not have a guilty thought. I want to build my craving for a brisk walk outside so I’ll take advantage of the warm spells of winter. The way to do that is to establish a healthy baseline now.

Excessive eating and marathon channel-surfing only becomes a problem if it becomes your routine. Take advantage of the bounty and beauty of the fall season to build up good beliefs and habits that still exist come spring. Onward!

Savvy Traveler's Guide to Crazytown Introduction

2010-09-17T12:11:00.000-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of September 19, 2010

Sometimes we find ourselves in a place in life where logic is missing in action, and where your intuitive compass seems completely demagnetized. It is a place where up is down, day is night, and 1 + 1 = green. The name of this place is Crazytown.

In the confusing and stressful state of mind I call Crazytown, what is at play are the basic dynamics of emotional abuse—which can occur in the home, in a relationship, at work, with your religion, or in your community, culture, or nation. Crazytown occurs when someone hones in on your insecurities, weaknesses, and fears and uses them to exert power and control over you, in any way they can. And while you are living in Crazytown, this will work every single time. In Crazytown, what you thought you were good at, you aren’t. What you thought you knew for sure, you don’t. What would normally make sense, doesn’t.

One key to leaving Crazytown is to recognize that you might be residing there in the first place. So, how can you figure out if you’re living in Crazytown? Here are a few possible signs:

You’re running out of solutions to fix a problem. You haven’t started any arguments, you’ve toed the line. You’ve improved your performance and efficiency, you’ve stopped hanging out with those friends. But you’re still being berated, mistrusted, passed over, accused of causing problems. Every cautious, adapted interaction still results in you feeling terrible, guilty, put down, flawed. If you’re lucky, nothing changes. If you’re not, your best, most thoughtful efforts somehow make things worse. There are only so many things someone can try to resolve conflict; and when your bag of tricks is empty, it’s empty. Hopefully, when that occurs, you will start wondering if perhaps the problem isn’t you.

You’re afraid of your own shadow. Just as our self-image gets distorted in Crazytown, perceived consequences of our actions get distorted as well. You think the earth will swallow you whole if you make any major changes or stand up for yourself. Emotional abuse breeds social paranoia (“everyone will hate me”), feelings of helplessness (“I won’t survive a change”), and runaway insecurity (“I deserve to be treated this way”). It robs you of any feelings of power or control; keeping you silent, terrified, ashamed, and paralyzed.

Your behaviors and body change for the worse. You’re smoking, eating, or drinking too much. Or, you’re eating too little. You’re isolating, avoiding friends and family. You’re having headaches, stomachaches, backaches, chest pain, insomnia. You’re crying or feeling panic a lot. A steady flow of negative emotions can wreak havoc on your body, and eventually you will suffer the physical effects. Some people can live in paradise and still find things to be negative about, but lots of people feel those emotions because something is terribly wrong, their soul knows it, but they don’t see a way out.

The roadblocks at the exit ramp of Crazytown are ultimately psychological. Our intuition is always with us, knowing what is best for us, even if at times it gets buried under tons of emotional rubble. There is no need to second-guess every decision you make by allowing abusive people to stay in your orbit. While the way out may be fraught with high risk, loss of security, or even threats to physical safety, recognizing the problem and gathering allies may be good first steps to creating a happy, well-balanced life in Serenityville. Onward!

Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. For questions or to schedule a free consultation, please contact Nancy at 208-406-3234 or goodnanc@yahoo.com. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com.

I don't know part I

2010-09-13T19:45:00.000-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of September 5, 2010

Life is often fraught with ambivalence and uncertainty. We do have some answers, there are certainly pockets of life where things are familiar and stable, but there are times we might find ourselves in over our heads. It’s great to be able to say a clear “yes” or “no,” but how easy is it to acknowledge being clueless? Is it easy? Difficult? Under what circumstances is it ideal for you to say “I don’t know?”

“Pride comes before the fall,” especially at work. New jobs, new projects, new changes can be intimidating. The workplace is a professional environment with, hopefully, high expectations of performance and customer service. Nobody wins when employees pretend to know something they don’t—this can be inconvenient, unprofessional, and sometimes dangerous. And you don’t win by being afraid to get questions answered--it’s up to you to make sure you have what is needed to be successful. If you don’t know the answer to something at work, chances are someone else doesn’t either, so don’t miss out on the opportunity to be a resource for your coworkers by acknowledging what you don’t know, and taking the initiative to seek answers.

If, after saying “I don’t know,” you take an enormous leap of faith. Trusting the adventure, trusting your instincts, and trusting in your ability to handle whatever happens, is all you have control over when venturing into the unknown. It would be great if we could know how things end at the very beginning, but we can only ultimately take our best guess, and know that even if we end up down the wrong alley, we are still moving forward. Saying “I don’t know how this will work out, but I’m going to try it anyway,” can clear the way for personal growth and an authentic life, regardless of the outcome.

Right before you decide to figure out God for yourself. We learn in this or that church, temple, mosque, monastery, book, scroll, text, meditation, that God is this way or that way, with very specific rules and things to know, period. I love the nearly global belief that there is something to the God concept; it’s the squabbling over details that messes everything up. Maybe what you’ve learned as truth doesn’t fit your version of life, maybe your own intuition or spiritual theories have as much, if not more, to offer you. It can be enlightening and productive to figure out your own answers, and weave a spiritual tapestry causes no harm and works just for you.

When you finally stop being stubborn and ask for help. With instability being the new stability, more and more people are finding themselves lost in the woods when it comes to careers, relationships, families, or lifestyle. Sometimes, our mental health takes a nosedive into depression, anger, anxiety, addictions, and wrapping ourselves up in ego and isolation, fearful to reach out, can extend and exacerbate negative states of being. Whether it’s a community service, the comfort of a friend, or acceptance and surrender, solutions and support exist--waiting for us to give up on trying to fix everything alone, and allowing the world and it’s resources in.

“I don’t know” can be a very powerful starting point, as long as we’re not afraid to say it. Often, what we eventually come to know depends on our confidence in knowing what we don’t. Onward!

I don't know part II

2010-09-13T19:39:00.000-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of September 12, 2010

There are many times when we brush up against the line between what we do and don’t know. This can occur in a relationship, in a classroom, at a life crossroads, or when we tangle with transcendent forces that are ultimately unknowable. However, sometimes our claims of ignorance are really attempts to avoid, hide, or stay on the sidelines. So, when is saying “I don’t know” causing you more harm than good?

When you’re saying it to avoid expressing your opinion. Some people have difficulty expressing an opinion about even small things such as dinner or weekend plans. Backing away from saying what you think denies people the opportunity to learn about who you really are. Even if you need a few minutes to decide, take the time to respond with an answer that confidently reflects your desires, personality, and interests.

It can also be intimidating to find yourself in a conversation where you don’t know a lot about the discussion topic. If your opinion is solicited in such a situation, try saying something like “I’m not familiar with this subject, can you give me some background information?” That way you learn something new, you let people know you are paying attention, and you keep everyone on their toes by asking to clarify and verify what is being discussed.

If you’re saying it because you’re afraid to be wrong. In learning situations, we often think we’re the only ones who feel intimidated or nervous, or fear there will be mocking and finger-pointing if we say the wrong thing. But many times, we don’t discover the right answer unless we stumble through many wrong ones.

Every time you’re asked a question in a learning environment, it’s a chance to let the instructor know how much you are retaining, and perhaps what needs to be reviewed more carefully. If you aren’t sure, offering an answer with an explanation of why you think that way helps you become an active participant in your own learning process. Chances are, you’ll be helping fellow students understand the content better as well.

When it is about some level of self-awareness you should be aware of by now, or at least have a good theory or two. We have the ability to formulate ideas about why we do or don’t behave in certain ways. If you are saying “I don’t know” to such questions as “why do you go back to him when he hits you,” “why are you always in trouble,” or “why don’t you change your high-risk lifestyle habits,” maybe it’s time to explore some of those underlying causes. Maybe there are some self-esteem issues, maybe a secret needs to be revealed and vanquished, maybe you lack tools to behave any other way.

If people who love you are being direct about your dangerous behavior, this is a chance for self-improvement and enlightenment. There is no need to deny your capacity for personal insight. You will likely not come up with all the answers right away, but making a cautious guess gives you a specific direction to explore that might benefit you in the long run.

The more we take risks and venture out of our comfort zones, the more likely we are to have a valid reason to say “I don’t know.” But there is so much we do or can know, and there are many times when taking a guess, even if it’s wrong, builds wisdom, confidence, and self-respect. Onward!

School daze...or not?

2010-09-13T19:36:00.000-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News morning of August 20, 2010

The days are starting to shorten and the nights are cooling down. Everywhere, oversized backpacks are being stuffed with new spiral notebooks, pens, and folders. Supply lists are being distributed, and syllabi are being explained. Education is in the air.

Education doesn’t stop when you hit a certain grade level or receive this or that diploma--education and learning are lifelong experiences and opportunities. Intellectual wellness is considered one of the dimensions of health—it’s the extent to which we exercise our brains, expand our horizons, and acquire new knowledge. Intellectual wellness can improve and enhance our emotional, social, financial, and even physical wellness. And the beginning of the school year is a great time to consider how well you are schooling yourself.

You don’t have to step into a classroom to improve your intellectual wellness, but for many, this may be exactly the step to take. If you’ve been out of school for awhile, or hated school while you there, or struggled with a particular subject or skill set, returning to the classroom can be an intimidating prospect. Then there’s the cost of education, the time management and discipline necessary to be a successful student, and the sacrifices and compromises required to maintain balance while you expand your intellectual horizons.

But one of the things I love most about the concept of “callings” is that a call, once heard, rarely goes away on its own. If you’ve felt the urge to return to school, earn your GED, or complete that training program, chances are you will feel that urge until you take action and tend to that desire—a desire that transcends fear, intimidation, confusion, or any other emotions you might experience at the thought of professors and textbooks. So how can you creep up on that desire, and overcome the self-imposed barriers in your mind that make you think continued education is beyond your grasp?

It’s too late to scramble and enroll in most fall for-credit college courses, and the only thing to do now is plan your strategy for the spring semester that starts, oddly, in January. Most GED prep or other continuing/adult education programs run on a steady cycle throughout the year, and maybe the first step in your education is to educate yourself on available resources and programs. Knowledge is power, and the knowledge of when this program or that class starts, enrollment guidelines, or actual tuition costs transforms an unknown journey into a journey with tangible details that can be worked with and addressed.

When I was young, my mother took community college courses and on a few occasions took me with her—so I have early, positive memories of being in a student union, and sitting quietly in a classroom. But if nobody led you by the hand into that world, then perhaps it’s time to create some of those positive memories and associations on your own. Sitting in a college gathering spot, learning the names of a few buildings, or peeking into a lecture hall might help you create your own sense of belonging, and help that desire for education grow until it bubbles over.

Intellectual wellness isn’t nurtured exclusively in a classroom, but if you believe a classroom may be in your destiny, this is a great time of year to start exploring those options. And perhaps, sometime soon, an oversized backpack with new spiral notebooks, pens, and folders may be just for you. Onward!

Garden folly

2010-09-13T19:32:00.000-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of August 22, 2010

Last year, I turned out a pretty good vegetable garden. I harvested carrots into a garbage bag in November that lasted until March. Every visitor to the house walked away with zucchini. A healthy row of beets, my first adventure with this sassy veggie that knows how to leave her mark, got tossed into salads, grilled, mixed into quinoa (scarlet colored quinoa—interesting), or just munched on right out of the ground. I played around with cold storage. I contemplated the misnomer of “canning.” And, since success is supposed to build on success, can you imagine what I have yielded from my garden this year?

Bubkes.

Like the plague of locusts of ’08, a combination of human error and Gaia’s folly has turned this summer’s garden into a frightening landscape. I planted the carrot seeds too deep and the bean seeds too soon. I planted onions by seed, period. Then, there was the reality of an abnormally cold spring and the brand-new addition of some insect that turned my surviving foliage into ghostly scraps of lace. There is still hope for my heirloom tomatoes and winter squash, but overall, this summer’s garden has been a humbling and puzzling experience.

It has also, as always, been an enlightening experience, since any time spent digging in the dirt is time my spirit and intuition likes to whisper in my ear. This season’s lessons, it seems, are about letting go, bouncing back, and turning mistakes into learning opportunities with a minimum of stress and drama.

Why is it so easy for me to shrug off the multitude of mistakes in my garden plot, but mistakes in other areas of my life can easily ruin a good day? I know, carrots don’t judge my missteps, squash doesn’t snicker at my miscalculations, but people don’t do those things either. Mistakes in the garden instantly propel me towards an optimistic future—“what will I do better next year?” But mistakes in other areas of my life can keep me stuck in the past, and create an uncomfortable present by triggering all sorts of irrational, extreme, and unnecessary belief patterns. Enough of that.

I’d like my attitude towards gardening, especially when things don’t work out, to spill over into other areas of life. A mistake is something to examine, learn from, laugh about, and guide me towards abundance and success. It can be fun to problem-solve, strategize, and imagine a future where everything works out the way it’s supposed to, while at the same time appreciating lessons as they come, embracing small miracles buried in the weeds, and not giving up on what is working well.

I still water my garden regularly, and cultivate around the hardy survivors to give them space to grow. It doesn’t matter that my row of rutabagas never saw the light of day, or that my patty-pan squash plants are still only a foot high. We participate in life, we plow forwards, we stay the course, because there is much about the process to enjoy and value. Every time I make a mistake it’s because I am doing something I am proud of and consider important. And when I trip over my own feet, I am provided with an instant opportunity to learn, improve, and grow towards the sun. I like knowing that, by adjusting my attitude and world-view, mistakes and setbacks readily yield their own bounty, in my garden and everywhere else. Onward!

Monkey mind

2010-08-11T13:35:00.000-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of August 8, 2010

There’s a concept in Buddhism called the Monkey Mind. As Dinty Moore describes it in The Accidental Buddhist, “The path of human thinking can be thought of as being like a monkey in the jungle, constantly swinging from vine to vine, tree to tree, seldom lighting for more than a second before it is off again.” Our minds are rarely, if ever, completely at rest, hanging out on one branch in the jungle, staring at one particular leaf, arresting and expanding one particular moment in time, The Now. The only time we slow down is when we’re asleep, and even then the Monkey Mind runs amok in dreamland. Meditation principles teach how to discipline and slow the mind, and hold it in one place so we can fully appreciate the present moment.

For many people, perhaps a more pressing problem isn’t that we can’t hold a meditative state, but that we can’t stop the Monkey Mind from playing blindly in the rusty nail and razor-blade forest. The Monkey Mind clings stubbornly to dark and dangerous thoughts that hurt, tear, snag, and shake around violently. Our fears, insecurities, resentments, setbacks, and dramas—a candy store for the untrained Monkey Mind.

Life is life; and it’s normal to venture into dark territory from time to time—when bad things happen, when you are tossed unceremoniously out of your comfort zone, when you choose to take risks and be adventurous. But we’re not supposed to move in.

One of my favorite bumper stickers is “don’t let your mind wander; it’s too little to be left alone.” Unattended toddlers will bounce around wherever—and mix a cocktail using all the pretty liquids under your sink, or roam on wobbly legs into traffic. As toddlers, we are taught to pay attention to what we are doing, and what to avoid—such as that pretty red color emanating from the stove. We’re taught how to stay physically safe from a very early age, but do we learn how to be emotionally safe? “Now, sweet dear, don’t think badly about yourself, that’s really dangerous. Next time you do that you’re going to get a spanking.”

Whether you appreciate lessons from Buddhism or a bumper sticker, it is possible, with practice and discipline, to control the speed and nature of our thoughts—and it is in our best interest to do so. There are several ways this can be accomplished—meditation, cognitive therapy, sticky-notes, affirmations, exercise, visualization, or even monitoring metaphors. For example, entrenched, well-imagined metaphors such as “I am falling apart” or “life is a nightmare” do little to promote emotional well-being. Best to choose mental images and comparisons that make us feel calm, confident, and at peace with our world. When I’m trying to rein in the Monkey Mind, at least from the scarier parts of the forest, I like to have a few of these tricks and tools at my disposal, because some days one might work better than another, and some days I need them all.

It’s wonderful to spent time with a calm, relaxed mind that is playing quietly in safe, friendly territory. Your body relaxes, your breathing slows, your stress dissipates, your hyper-processing goes into hibernate-mode. So find some time today, tomorrow, or by the end of the week to spend a few minutes training the monkey, and know that while life is unpredictable and often out of our control, what goes on inside our head doesn’t have to be. Onward!

Nancy Goodman, LPC, is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. For questions or to schedule a free consultation, please contact Nancy at 208-406-3234 or goodnanc@yahoo.com. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com.

Coping with bad days

2010-08-11T13:31:00.000-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of August 1, 2010

Bad days, or a bad few days in a row, are sometimes a part of life. Bad days come into our life for a reason—maybe something acutely traumatic has happened, or you are coming up on the anniversary of a traumatic event. Maybe something has transpired to wake up sleeping dragons such as low self-esteem, ignored resentments, or unresolved issues. Maybe your hormones are throwing a party with your well-being strung up as the piñata.

Whatever the reason, the goal isn’t to have no bad days at all, but to let those bad days in with an open mind, acknowledge the reality of emotional balancing acts as a part of life, and practice damage control so that bad days aren’t worse or more prolonged than they need to be. So what are some ways to cope with those bad days, so you can take care of yourself, maybe learn a thing or two, and apply some coping tools that build resiliency and flexibility?

Develop alternate trains of thought. While it’s easy enough to fixate on what is bothering us, it might be better to write down other things we can be spending our time thinking about instead. When I’m tangled up in negative thoughts, I like to write a list of “approved” topics to meditate on instead, such as a project I’m excited about, my positive attributes, or things that are going well in my life. I keep that list close by as a lifeline for when I’m tempted to let my mind stray into the bad-lands. That list is handy for good days as well, so we can cultivate gratitude and contentment during the easy times.

Figure out the feelings. It can be exhausting swimming in a toxic river of negativity when your unhappy chatterbox is running full-tilt. So what’s going on underneath those wretched, negative thoughts? Are you feeling angry? Scared? Insecure? Threatened? Insulted? Lonely? Vulnerable? Unimportant? Sometimes figuring out what’s underneath all those harsh words and simply repeating a phrase such as “I am scared” or “I feel alone” can reduce the verbal racecourse in your mind. Then you can take a few deep breaths, slow down, and allow the core feeling to emerge, be recognized, and addressed.

Vent it out. Emotional release is often key to getting yourself back on track mentally and spiritually. Have coffee at the home of a trusted friend and talk until you’re hoarse, process your feelings in detail in a journal of some kind, or better yet, allow a good cry. Spending an afternoon bawling your head off, boys and girls, doesn’t mean you’ll be spending the rest of your life in a padded cell. Emotional “breakdowns” are often cleansing and cathartic, and may facilitate the kind of physical and emotional exhaustion needed so you can flip the restart switch and experience life renewed.

Bad days are supposed to come and go, but sometimes bad days come, take over your living room, and start leaving dirty laundry and beer cans everywhere. If you’re having more bad days than good, or those bad days are really interfering with your ability to have a functional life, then it’s time to talk to a counselor-type who can help you navigate your inner world and figure out your range of solutions. In general, bad days will always emerge occasionally; but we have much control over how long they last, and how we take care of ourselves in the meantime. Onward!

Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. For questions or to schedule a free consultation, please contact Nancy at 208-478-1414 or goodnanc@yahoo.com. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com.

Personal art and creativity

2010-08-11T13:28:00.000-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of July 25, 2010

What is art? What does it mean to be creative?

Art is one of the oldest expressions of self there is. Ancient drawings cover the walls of caves around the world. Cultural dances, music, architecture, literature, symbols date back thousands and thousands of years. It seems artistic expression is one of the first things humankind learned how to do—and it’s been a vital part of our wellness ever since.

How often do you engage in the artistic process for your well-being? It’s easy enough for me to skip over—I don’t feel very confident at drawing, or singing, or dancing, or music, or poetry. So what is there to create, and what’s the point, exactly?

Just because your finished work of art isn’t going to end up on a museum wall, doesn’t mean the creative, artistic process isn’t valid and worthwhile for everyone.

We’re a chatty species; we use lots of words that stream through our brains at a bazillion miles an hour. But relying on linear, everyday trains of thought alone to express ourselves and cope with life sometimes falls short of what we are really trying to say or understand.

Enter the crayon box. Or lined notebook paper, or living room dance party, or silverware rhythm jam. Art doesn’t need to be expensive, it doesn’t need to be anything fancy, it doesn’t require a lot of prep time or work space, and we don’t need any formal training to participate in it. And sometimes art can take us where everyday words and dialogues can’t—art can help us come to closure, it can quiet our minds, it can evoke feelings that need some attention, it can help clarify a vision. Or, it can simply be a fun way to occupy some time and make you feel good about yourself.

So what do you want to create? Everyone has their artistic preference, and I like putting pen to paper in the form of doodles or little sketches. We can draw whatever we’d like. Maybe a detailed picture of your ideal life—where you don’t worry about scale or style (you can be a stick figure as tall as your house if you’d like), but draw all the things you’d like your life to be, being sure to include all the great things that are in your life right now. Or draw spirals—one of the oldest, most mystical symbols of all. Let your mind go and hypnotize yourself by tracing rhythmic patterns in, out, in, and out again. It’s as good a meditation tool as any.

While artistic expression in it’s basic forms don’t require any formal training, simply permission, if you’d like your trees to look more like trees, or you want to upgrade from silverware to real drumsticks, take a class and enjoy every minute of it. Most community art classes are short, to the point, and don’t usually cost much more than a spa day or lift ticket.

We are bombarded with images and noise every day—we can’t even quietly read a news story online anymore without having to fight off video—a filmmaker’s cut-and-paste art project of the day. And there are magnificent works of art to see and experience—which we should, even if we have to skip that trip to Paris or the Met in lieu of an art book or audio recording. But some days, the best art that can be produced is that which we produce ourselves. Onward!

Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. For questions or to schedule a free consultation, please contact Nancy at 208-478-1414 or goodnanc@yahoo.com. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com.

Top Ten Ways to Enjoy a Fabulous Single Life Until You Meet The One--# 7

2010-07-16T17:20:00.000-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of July 18, 2010

A few years ago, I compiled a list called “Top Ten Ways to Enjoy a Fabulous Single Life Until You Meet The One.” Looking back, it seems this list was my final exam as a single person, as I met the person who would become my husband just as I was putting the finishing touches on this project. Being single was never easy for me—lonliness, heartbreak, with some betrayal and deception tossed in for good measure. But it was also a journey; a series of life lessons that have proven invaluable, because self-doubt, instability, and ego challenges don’t necessarily end once you walk down the aisle.

Number ten on the list is “Take every opportunity there is to go out (or stay in), even if it’s by yourself,” number nine, “Get adopted by happy healthy couples,” and number eight asks the question “How well does the romantic partner fit in with your amazing friends and family who love you and want you to be happy?” There is a lot of emotional housekeeping involved in maintaining a fabulous life while you are hoping for something more, and your physical space should be given the same care. Since clearing the cobwebs from your front porch is often as important as clearing the cobwebs from your mind, tip number seven for enjoying a fabulous single life until you meet The One is-- “Don’t require more than an hour to welcome people into a home free of mutant dust bunnies, laundry decorating the living room, or three weeks of dirty dishes in your sink.”

When there isn’t another grown-up in the household scolding you to do your daily or weekly chores, sometimes it’s easy to let those mundane, tiresome projects slip into utter chaos. If you aren’t blessed with the neat gene, being married doesn’t necessarily fix this problem, but at least you have someone to share the blame. During my single days, I found it was quite a hindrance to be incapable of spontaneity in my own home. There have been times I’ve needed three or more days before I felt comfortable having anyone enter my personal living space. What a wrench in the works of my fabulous single life! Whether you live in a dorm room, studio apartment or a 5000 square-foot home, it’s valuable to maintain a space that only needs a quick run-through if you want people to stop by—be they friends, neighbors, or dates.

How does one muster up motivation to tackle cleaning projects when you’re flying solo, and messes tend to grow and thrive with neglect? I like to compare this process to cultivating an exercise regimen—start slow and small, find a routine that is comfortable and sustainable, and perhaps even strive to break a sweat. Set a timer for an hour, a few times a week, and tackle a specific project with all your energy and a jammin’ cleaning playlist. I also found throwing parties was a great motivator for getting some serious cleaning done, and it didn’t hurt my rep as a fun single person either.

A benefit of being single is that your home can be a reflection of your amazing individual self—your interests, your tastes, what makes you unique. You don’t have to explain someone else’s mismatched furniture or tacky art—your abode is all about you. Creating a space that is inviting to the outside world just might clear the way for other paths and invitations, as well. Onward!

Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. For questions or to schedule a free consultation (in-person or over the telephone), please contact Nancy at 208-478-1414 or goodnanc@yahoo.com. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com.

serendipity, synchronicity, happenstance, fate....

2010-07-09T17:53:00.001-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of July 11, 2010

Who doesn’t love a good sign from the universe? Signs in the old days were nice and clear—a burning bush, dreams of cows and ladders, being visited by angels. But today, we are stuck with signs that are often much more subtle--that surprise encounter, that interesting billboard, that book someone handed you. We call these curious events many things—serendipity, fate, omens, happenstance, law of attraction, a communiqué from Jehovah.

We can believe that buying in to the wonder of these striking events is akin to superstition and fantasy, or we can explore what role these events might be able to play in our lives. Lots of people with many letters after their names suggest that these mystical occurrences are more useful to us than some may think. Psychologist Carl Jung may have been one of the first to discuss it with his theory of synchronicity. He said, “The concept of synchronicity indicates a meaningful coincidence of two or more events, where something other than the probability of chance is involved. (It) suggests a kind of harmony at work in the interrelation of both psychic and physical events.” So, these peculiar events and I are strung together, somehow, for some reason. That song’s been on the radio a hundred times, but today it strikes you deeply. Why?

Dr. John Krumboltz, in his book “Luck is no Accident—Making the Most of Happenstance in Your Life and Career,” suggests that not only are these events significant, but we can take advantage of these meaningful accidents, set ourselves up to have meaningful accidents, and that meaningful accidents have already influenced your life in countless ways. Gregg Levoy, who wrote “Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life,” suggests that these signs are little calls, little signals, from a potentially transcendent force, and we can amplify them, study them and use them as a roadmap to get us where our souls want to go.

For me, these events provide a glimpse of the mysterious dimension of life—micro-visits from that which I don’t understand and can’t comprehend. Are all moments of serendipity and happenstance calls to immediate action and change, a clear directive from beyond? Maybe not. But do these experiences provide me with validation, a renewed sense of faith and trust in myself, a reminder to stay on track, a moment of communion and connection, or a much needed dash of humor? Usually. I find it fun to think there is something going on behind the curtain that I can’t see. It’s possible there really is no meaning to any of these occurrences, it’s possible they truly are just random events, but where’s the entertainment value and opportunity for creativity in that line of thinking?

Regardless of where these experiences might originate from, meaningful coincidences can give us an opportunity to check in with ourselves. How long had you been feeling lonely when that long-lost friend called you? What’s going on in your life that you can’t get those particular song lyrics out of your head? Perhaps you have unfinished business. Perhaps you are ready to take a brave first step. Perhaps it’s time to surrender to what you already know, and do the things you know you’re supposed to do. However you interpret and apply the big or small signs that pop up in your life, these beautiful words and ideas—serendipity, synchronicity, happenstance—can be a catalyst for our imagination, inspiration, insight, and perhaps even positive action. Onward!

Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. For questions or to schedule a free consultation (in-person or over the telephone), please contact Nancy at 208-478-1414 or goodnanc@yahoo.com. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com.

Independence!

2010-07-08T14:14:00.000-07:00

Versions published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of July 4, 2010

Independence Day. Our holiday to celebrate a fledgling US cleaving away from Mother Britain to forge her own destiny, such as it is. We fought for independence and freedom, and won the equal right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness—and by the 1960’s and 1970’s, most US citizens were covered under that plan. Say what you will about the mess-du-jour at the White House—we don’t get shot trying to vote, we aren’t plagued with constant civil war or guerilla attacks, the average citizen doesn’t get hunted down for wearing or being the wrong thing. The problem with all this freedom is that most of the time, we only have ourselves to blame if our life isn’t how we want it.

Freedom and independence are interesting notions, especially on an individual level. So as you hit the clearance sales for red, white, and blue paper plates or fancy fireworks to burn your neighborhood down with next year, consider your own state of freedom and independence. What do you want independence from? What might you like to free yourself from, untangle yourself from in your life, once and for all?

It seems that many times, the primary barrier between us and a better life is a psychological barrier. Yes, there’s economics, kids to feed, and bills to pay, but there are too many people out there who don’t let those factors hold them back to give such excuses a permanent place in your life. Whether we are happy or not, pursuing our goals or not, or handling challenges optimistically or not, depends on how well we’ve cleared our own way to do so.

So, do you live under the thumb your own fears? Do you draw constant fire from your low self-esteem? Do you tear yourself to pieces with anger, conflict, or drama? Do you toil under the weight of unnecessary guilt and shame?

The mind can be our harshest oppressor or bravest freedom-fighter, and we get to pick. So often we limit ourselves, keep ourselves down, without really knowing why or even that we’re doing it at all. Garbage from our past, how someone made us feel about ourselves, our default attitudes about the world, all conspire to keep us nice and stuck. Depressed, helpless, stressed-out, brassed-off. Wouldn’t it be great to be free and independent of all that?

We’re not supposed to be content and happy all the time—we have a range of emotions that are there for a reason. Dips into the abyss, off-days, or bad moods are part of our emotional checks and balances—suggesting what we need to learn, what direction we might want to grow towards, or how we can take better care of ourselves. But to navigate the way out, to know what’s healthy and unhealthy, to try on different attitudes or experiment with different behaviors can be a liberating experience indeed.

It’s a common expression that “freedom isn’t free,” and that can apply to our personal, emotional freedom as well. We have to risk to feel safe, we have to lose to win, we have to make mistakes to improve our best selves, we have to expose our dark places to enjoy the brilliant fireworks display of life on our own terms. This is a lifelong process, and some days are harder than others. But with resilience, patience, and practice, every day can be Independence Day. Onward!

patience, passion, suffering

2010-07-08T14:05:00.000-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of June 26, 2010

Did you know that the words patience and passion come from similar root origins, meaning “suffering?” It makes sense; pursuing one’s passion is terrifying—all that risk, loss of comfort and security, grappling with the ego dragon.

It intrigues me that patience is also linked to suffering. Or rather, impatience is. We’re impatient with our careers, with our relationships, with our level of fitness, with our place in the world. If we want something we want it now, and the wait has derailed many a great and noble intention. So how can we cultivate patience to ease the suffering of not having what we want, right now this second? As I’ve tried to increase patience in my own life, here are some thoughts:

Be less demanding of life. I’m fascinated with the Buddhist concept that we suffer because of our attachments and insistence that things be different than the way they are. We suffer—we experience fear, frustration, anxiety, anger, sadness—because we want things to be different on our timeframe, and hold on to the desire for outcomes beyond our control at the expense of our present well-being. While it is important to take action and change the things we don’t want in our life, it’s also important to remember that life unfolds on it’s own timetable whether we are patient with the mysterious process or not.

Cultivate faith. Along with the idea of accepting life on life’s terms, is the idea that maybe we are supposed to be exactly where we are for some reason. What are we supposed to learn from our particular experiences? Is there a greater story unfolding that we can’t see? Faith isn’t necessarily about going to church every week or practicing this or that religion. It seems faith is about trust; trusting that we possess particular gifts and assets for a reason, trusting our coping skills, trusting we’ll land right-side-up. Maintaining a healthy spiritual core, on your own terms, is by many considered a cornerstone of lifelong wellness.

Love what you’ve got. I wasted a lot of time when I was single lamenting the absence of a partner, growing more frustrated, self-deprecating, and impatient by the minute. How much better would I have served myself if I had focused my emotional energy on my friends, my family, my career, my interests, and developing my own unique self? In fact, it was when I started to do all this that I met my partner I had been longing for. Every day, every minute carries innumerable blessings, lessons, and gifts. What in your life is going very well? Is it your job, your health, your social life, your home, your talents? Don’t neglect all that you have on the quest for what you don’t have.

I’m a big fan of writing lists, especially during uncertain times. If you’re suffering because things aren’t the way you want them to be, it might help center yourself to write down items such as what you do and don’t have control over, what you believe about yourself and the universe on a deep level, or all the wonderful things already in your life. It seems to be part of the human condition that we don’t get what we want when we want it, but perhaps only when we no longer need it. Patience is an invaluable skill, and if you can do it well, you won’t even realize you’re waiting for anything at all. Onward!

The ABC's of REBT

2010-07-08T14:01:00.000-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and the Blackfoot Morning News week of June 20, 2010

Is it possible that our own belief systems drive whether we are happy or sad, feel good or bad about ourselves, or how other people affect us? Dr. Albert Ellis (1913-1997), father of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, says yes. A key component of his theory is the concept of irrational beliefs; that what we think about our world, our capacity, and what we deserve in life is often innocently flawed, and is ultimately to blame for prolonged negative feelings. He offers a simple A-B-C (D-E) formula to describe what happens to us, and why we end up feeling the way we do in many less-than-ideal situations.

A—Activating experience. Something happens. We get criticized at work, blown off for a date, cut off in traffic. This event is ultimately neutral—it means nothing until we assign meaning to it, and every person will have a different reaction to these life experiences.

B— (Irrational) Belief about the experience. This is where we get into trouble. The activating experience triggers a belief we have about ourselves, others, or the world. “”I am totally worthless,” “She has no right to do that to me,” or other self-deprecating and hostile beliefs get in the way of our well-being. Ellis described some of these patterns of rigid, irrational beliefs as “I-can’t-stand-it-itis,” “awfulizing,” or “musterbation.”

C—Consequences of beliefs. If you believe that unless you do everything perfectly you are a terrible, awful person, then of course you will feel really bad about yourself when you make a mistake. If you believe that you must be in control all the time, then of course you will feel angry when you aren’t. Emotional consequences of these irrational beliefs can include depression, anger, anxiety, or low self-esteem. Social consequences of these irrational beliefs can include damaged or dependent relationships, chronic work conflict, or jail time.

Fortunately, this negative life pattern doesn’t have to end here. Once we are aware of our self-defeating thinking and belief patterns, we can do something about it. These beliefs can be adjusted over time, and we continue the A-B-C pattern with better results.

D—Disputing irrational beliefs. Are you really a terrible loser if this thing or that thing doesn’t work out? Or, while you wish things were different, can you still believe you’re a great person with lots of potential? Must everyone who hurts, insults, or disappoints you be a terrible person who deserves your vengeful ire, or can you believe that everyone is imperfect, and if someone has behaved imperfectly towards you that doesn’t make them a bad person overall? Disputing irrational beliefs and making new beliefs stick takes practice, so be patient with the process.

E—New Effect or Emotional Consequence. Once we’ve softened our belief system to be more flexible, self-loving, and realistic, we become less angry, depressed, fearful or intimidated. Disputing irrational beliefs doesn’t necessarily free us of sadness or disappointment—if we are fully living life, we are going to be sad and disappointed at times. But sad and disappointing experiences don’t need to be made worse by harsh judgment of ourselves and others, black-and-white thinking, or believing everything is a total disaster.

There are a lot of tools and strategies out there to train the brain to re-frame, and Ellis provides us with some handy insight about what might be causing stress and unhappiness. So if you are feeling bad, remember your ABCs and explore how you, and you alone, can change your life for the better. Onward!

Look away! Look away!

2010-07-08T13:58:00.000-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of June 13, 2010

It’s said that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Maybe yes, maybe not. But our eyes are the windows through which we see, perceive, observe, and make decisions about our world—and sometimes our world can seem dark, negative, or threatening, depending on what we look at. Our environment is neutral; a constantly changing picture-show with countless things for us to observe. Sometimes, we look at and concentrate on the wrong things, and then wonder why we’re upset, insecure, angry, or overwhelmed.

If you have made the decision that you want to feel better in life, sometimes the solution can involve simply changing what you look at (or listen to, or other sensory conduits of information) in your daily life. Here are some areas where you might want to consider a “look away” policy to help improve your happiness and wellness in the long run.

Your reflection. People managed to dress themselves and perform basic hygiene long before we had huge mirrors in our bathrooms or bedrooms. Body image is a common issue that causes emotional unhappiness. But would we feel so self-conscious if we didn’t spend all that time staring at what we don’t like about our bodies? We don’t need a mirror’s help to get dressed, and we don’t need to spend time lost in negative reverie, captured by our own reflection.

People you don’t like. It might seem like a lot of fun to scowl, obsess, and criticize toxic individuals should we see them in public or across the cubicle farm. It can be particularly distressful to see an “ex”—ex-partner, ex-boss, ex-friend—in a social situation when we are trying to have fun and relax. It’s a strong temptation to see what they are doing, who they are with, or how they look, but that innocent behavior might tap into some pretty negative feelings. So instead of trying to see what that person is up to, do your best to keep them out of your line of sight altogether. Then, should that person glance your way, all they’ll see is the back of your head as you socialize in your new, better life.

Glowing rectangles. Technology is great, it’s the wave of the future and I can barely remember my social life before Facebook. But how much information technology is really good for our psyche? Are we supposed to have information come at us that fast, that small, from that deep in our past? The pathways to digital information and entertainment are cluttered with ads, commentary, unnecessary links and other virtual attempts to divide and scatter our attention. And divided and scattered is how we might end up feeling as a result, unless we take time to unplug from our chaotic digital lives.

So with all the things we should avoid looking at if we are feeling unhappy, what can we look at to improve our state of mind? Stare at nature—trees, a creek, the sky, birds. Find your pals who love and support you at a social event and give them your full, undivided attention. Find photos of you doing something you’re proud of—hiking a trail, being surrounded by loved ones—and tape them to the center of your mirrors. Emotional wellness is a series of disciplines—conscious efforts to improve our behaviors and patterns, bit-by-bit. And adjusting your world-view, one image at a time, can be a great way to start changing your life for the better. Onward!

Healthy neighborhoods

2010-07-08T13:55:00.000-07:00

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of June 6, 2010

“Won’t you be my neighbor?” Mister Rogers

When I was young growing up in the North Park neighborhood of Chicago, us kids had the run of the place, and neighbors knew us whether they wanted to or not. We’d play a summertime game called Zombie with vague rules that involved a lot of running up and down our city block hiding and seeking each other in backyards, breezeways, and front bushes until it got dark. It was a crowded city block with old homes and apartment buildings, and lots of front porches to watch the Parking Space Wars that occurred after a good Chicago snowstorm.

A neighborhood is many things—it’s an extension of our residence, the home-base community from where we launch into the world every day. Some neighborhoods are well-defined, with strong identities and resident organizations, and some neighborhoods aren’t. This week, from June 5-June 12, is NeighborWorks Week, sponsored by NeighborWorks America. NeighborWorks America is a national organization designed to strengthen communities, one block, one neighborhood at a time. So this week, community and social health starts at your property line, and it’s a great time to consider what you can do to improve the world just outside your front door.

You don’t need to live in a house, on a block with other houses, to appreciate neighbor relations and the health of your micro-community. You can live in an apartment where your neighbors are five feet away, or live in an area where your nearest neighbors can only be seen with binoculars. Whatever the location or structure, neighborhoods are where we live and share, with a few unfortunate exceptions, the values of safety, familiarity, comfort, and leisure.

So how can you be a good neighbor this week, any week? First, check the impact of your personal residence on the people living around you. Is it time to pull those weeds or remove the blown-in trash? How are your animals—are they scary, messy, loud, and what is something you can do about that? Do you have a neighborly lifestyle, or do you insist on sound barrier experiments and aggression? Do you react defensively to offers of help, or are you grateful for the extra pair of hands?

Next, take a little walk around your neighborhood. Is there a resident you haven’t met yet? Is there a disabled, elderly, or overwhelmed neighbor who might need a little help with those weeds or trash or other exterior projects? Identify some of the trouble spots in your neighborhood—too dark, too noisy, not enough stop signs, too many potholes, neglected or abandoned lots. Perhaps other neighbors feel the same way as you, and perhaps now is the time to take some action.

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has,” says Margaret Mead. Neighborhood change starts small, a few neighbors gathering over coffee; and there are always opportunities to get a little more involved in the improvement of your residential community. So this week, consider how you can make it a beautiful day in your neighborhood, and how that effort will improve your life, as well. Onward!