Emotional tics

Published in the Idaho State Journal June, 2011

Sometimes it’s good to take out the trash. In your head. There are many emotional “tics” that can get in the way of our well-being; and perhaps occur low enough under the radar that they’ll hang out forever unless we sweep them out of the corners and haul them to the curb. These aren’t emotional patterns that point towards any mental health problem in particular; but just quietly sit there, chipping away at our well being. What are some of these patterns that might easily be recognized, and in doing so clear the way for a better frame of mind?

Self-deprecating language. Woody Allen makes a lot of money poking fun at himself, but we don’t. If you’re trying to raise the bar on your level of self-confidence, making yourself the subject of trash-talk is a behavior that should change. Maybe it’s been a way of fitting in, maybe it’s been a way of seeming humble, maybe it’s been a way to end an argument. But it’s not a way to feel good about yourself. Sometimes, we do too good a job of keeping ourselves in “our place.” One-down, less valid than other people, staying small and avoiding attention. Try taking thoughts such as “I’m so stupid sometimes,” “I’m an idiot for making that mistake,” or “I look hideous in this outfit” and turning them around to reflect something positive—such as “well, that’s something new I’ve learned,” “I needed that in order to improve,” or “I love the colors on this shirt.”

Judgment of others. Few things are better at sucking one into negativity quicksand than saying bad things about other people. We don’t have to be in a Buddha-like state where we are unconditionally accepting and compassionate towards everyone at all times, although that is a very valid lifetime goal. But negative energy is negative energy, and whether you’re tearing down strangers across the room or ruminating on those who have done you wrong, that is time that can be better spent. It might feel really good to participate in this activity, but why? If it’s because bashing others makes you feel better about yourself or evokes feelings of vindication or catharsis, there are other, more productive and positive ways to accomplish those states of mind. Asking yourself why judging others makes you feel good might help identify areas where you feel bad—and then you can tackle those areas directly.

Freaking out about the future. Sigh. There it is, the future. Hazy, unknown, scary, and full of dread, disappointment, disaster, or failure--if we let it be. The future hangs in front of us with mystery and surprises, and no matter what, we can’t know the future until we get there. But we sure can waste a lot of time in the present trying otherwise. If we’re preoccupied with what’s ahead, we miss out on what’s here and now. Which can be very nice—with all the friends, family, hobbies, or vocations wanting and deserving some of your attention. Making demands of the future is a futile practice—and letting go of that frees one to fully appreciate the goodness in life today.

Self-confidence, compassion, and contentment are healthy emotional aspirations, but require a bit of cleaning house if you have messy thought patterns that get in the way. Being nice to ourselves and others in the present moment are skills we should have been born with—but there’s nothing stopping anyone from developing those skills now. Onward!

Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. Nancy can be reached at 208-406-3234 or goodnanc@yahoo.com. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com.