Welcome to the world, baby girl!

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of December 26, 2010

There’s a tool in counseling practice known as immediacy. Basically, immediacy brings a counseling session into the very specific present moment, focuses on the counseling relationship, and a counselor might say something like “I can see what I’ve said has made you angry/sad/confused, let’s talk more about that.” As an artistic tool, I’ve never been a fan of immediacy—my husband and I often joke about musicians who sing about how they are currently playing their guitar, or some such thing. And I don’t typically like to write in the present moment either—“as I write this column…”. Although today, December 23, one day before my usual Friday deadline, I must take exception to this preference. Because as I write this column, I am in a labor and delivery hospital bed being induced to deliver my baby girl.

Some days do not go as planned, especially when you are 38+ weeks pregnant. Today, I was supposed to visit the OB doc at 9:00 am, spend some time leisurely writing my “hey guess what I’m pregnant” column, and then had lunch plans. Instead, since come to find out I’ve had a slow amniotic fluid leak for the last few days, it’s time for baby girl to enter the world. While I am sure there will be times today I’ll be intensely lamenting that missed sushi combo, I can’t think of a better way to get out of last-minute Christmas shopping.

What I’ve loved about this pregnancy, and of being a first-time mother at 40 years of age, has been both the experience of immediacy—what is going on with me and my body, right now--and the concept of letting go of the need to stick to a plan. It wasn’t my plan to be single until 35. It wasn’t my plan to lose my job five seconds after I got engaged, and to start married life at 37 with a master’s degree, nearly 10 years professional experience, and envy of a minimum-wage salary. Motherhood was always a hazy mirage on the horizon—was that going to be my destiny, or not? Did I even want it to be?

It has only been in the last year that I’ve known that answer to be “yes.” As in, “yes, and hurry up about it.” Sometimes, it works to put my life choices to the “deathbed” test. When I am 120 years old, laying on my deathbed after a vibrant, long life, will I look back and have any regrets? Will I wish I had done this or that thing? It’s so easy to get swallowed up in all the fears of the present moment—but when I looked at the big picture of my life desires, the decision to go for baby was ultimately an easy one.

Not that this decision removed any fears. Just because we choose a brave path doesn’t mean it’s not fraught with fear, insecurity, and doubt. But the experience of transcending that fear, of saying “yes” to the adventure, brings rewards and joy that can’t be obtained otherwise.

I’m sure the experience of motherhood, and combining motherhood with career, family, and personal development, will take the concept of “fumbling toward serenity” to a whole new level. I can’t wait to incorporate this wisdom, and slew of new mistakes, into new columns starting March, 2011. Until then, may your new year be blessed with a little fear and uncertainty—it may very well mean you’re on exactly the right path. Onward!

Nancy Goodman is on maternity leave. Fumbling Toward Serenity will return in March, 2011. Past columns are available at http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com; Nancy can be reached at goodnanc@yahoo.com.