28, 2010
During my long and progressively less neurotic days (thank heavens) of being single, I developed a list called “Top Ten Ways to Enjoy a Fabulous Single Life Until You Meet The One.” This list helped me keep focus on the positive aspects of my life, and helped fill in the empty space that a life-partner did eventually occupy.
Number ten on the list is “Take every opportunity there is to go out, or stay in, even if it’s by yourself,” number nine is, “Get adopted by happy healthy couples,” and number eight asks the question “How well does the romantic partner fit in with your amazing friends and family who love you and want you to be happy?” Number seven is, in summary, “Don’t require more than an hour to welcome people into a neat, tidy home,” and since the best gift you can give to yourself this holiday season is the gift of your authentic self, number six is “Be yourself unabashedly.”
Part of the challenge of being single, if you don’t want to be single, is really shoring up who you are, and loving every bit of it. Do you have unusual or arcane hobbies? That’s great! Is your family tree twisted, broken, or fresh off the traveling sideshow circuit? How colorful!
In many ways, the early stages of dating in my past have felt like job interviews—trying to be the perfect person that the total stranger sitting across from me has in mind. It’s exhausting and ingenuine, and it’s best to love and show-off who you truly are from the very beginning.
Part of dating and being single is dealing with rejection. It seems there are two factors that cause rejection distress in the single life—dealing with feelings of loneliness and loss, and shredding yourself to pieces trying to find what’s wrong with you that explains why you are still single. Loneliness, sadness, and loss are normal, occasional feelings to have when you are on the quest for something that eludes you. However, beating yourself up and obsessing over perceived flaws is not healthy, not productive, and causes undeserved and unnecessary additional pain. If you commit to loving your imperfect, quirky self, hopefully you can reduce the sad times and minimize the damage that comes with rejection, when it occurs.
Being yourself unabashedly does have its limits, in my mind. We all have areas of improvement that dating experiences might be shining a spotlight on. Maybe you drink too much or have other socially frowned-upon habits. Maybe your home is a constant disaster area. Maybe you’re dysfunctionally disorganized, negative, needy, judgmental, ungroomed, or angry. It can sometimes be a lot to expect that someone new in your life will accommodate habits and traits that fall outside of what might be considered healthy or appropriate. If you want to be in a relationship with a bright, positive person, focusing some attention on more glaring areas of development will help increase your confidence, and reduce the barriers that might be standing in the way of a sustainable love connection.
Maybe the hardest step to being yourself unabashedly is figuring out who you are in the first place. This can be a process that involves introspection, list-making, or accepting positive feedback from others. Not every romantic interest will appreciate or feel connected to you, and that’s OK. What’s most important is fully being who you are, and knowing how much you have to offer the person who does. Onward!
Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. For questions, please contact Nancy at 208-406-3234 or goodnanc@yahoo.com. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com.
0 comments:
Post a Comment