Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of September 19, 2010
Sometimes we find ourselves in a place in life where logic is missing in action, and where your intuitive compass seems completely demagnetized. It is a place where up is down, day is night, and 1 + 1 = green. The name of this place is Crazytown.
In the confusing and stressful state of mind I call Crazytown, what is at play are the basic dynamics of emotional abuse—which can occur in the home, in a relationship, at work, with your religion, or in your community, culture, or nation. Crazytown occurs when someone hones in on your insecurities, weaknesses, and fears and uses them to exert power and control over you, in any way they can. And while you are living in Crazytown, this will work every single time. In Crazytown, what you thought you were good at, you aren’t. What you thought you knew for sure, you don’t. What would normally make sense, doesn’t.
One key to leaving Crazytown is to recognize that you might be residing there in the first place. So, how can you figure out if you’re living in Crazytown? Here are a few possible signs:
You’re running out of solutions to fix a problem. You haven’t started any arguments, you’ve toed the line. You’ve improved your performance and efficiency, you’ve stopped hanging out with those friends. But you’re still being berated, mistrusted, passed over, accused of causing problems. Every cautious, adapted interaction still results in you feeling terrible, guilty, put down, flawed. If you’re lucky, nothing changes. If you’re not, your best, most thoughtful efforts somehow make things worse. There are only so many things someone can try to resolve conflict; and when your bag of tricks is empty, it’s empty. Hopefully, when that occurs, you will start wondering if perhaps the problem isn’t you.
You’re afraid of your own shadow. Just as our self-image gets distorted in Crazytown, perceived consequences of our actions get distorted as well. You think the earth will swallow you whole if you make any major changes or stand up for yourself. Emotional abuse breeds social paranoia (“everyone will hate me”), feelings of helplessness (“I won’t survive a change”), and runaway insecurity (“I deserve to be treated this way”). It robs you of any feelings of power or control; keeping you silent, terrified, ashamed, and paralyzed.
Your behaviors and body change for the worse. You’re smoking, eating, or drinking too much. Or, you’re eating too little. You’re isolating, avoiding friends and family. You’re having headaches, stomachaches, backaches, chest pain, insomnia. You’re crying or feeling panic a lot. A steady flow of negative emotions can wreak havoc on your body, and eventually you will suffer the physical effects. Some people can live in paradise and still find things to be negative about, but lots of people feel those emotions because something is terribly wrong, their soul knows it, but they don’t see a way out.
The roadblocks at the exit ramp of Crazytown are ultimately psychological. Our intuition is always with us, knowing what is best for us, even if at times it gets buried under tons of emotional rubble. There is no need to second-guess every decision you make by allowing abusive people to stay in your orbit. While the way out may be fraught with high risk, loss of security, or even threats to physical safety, recognizing the problem and gathering allies may be good first steps to creating a happy, well-balanced life in Serenityville. Onward!
Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. For questions or to schedule a free consultation, please contact Nancy at 208-406-3234 or goodnanc@yahoo.com. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com.
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