I don't know part II

Published in the Idaho State Journal and Blackfoot Morning News week of September 12, 2010

There are many times when we brush up against the line between what we do and don’t know. This can occur in a relationship, in a classroom, at a life crossroads, or when we tangle with transcendent forces that are ultimately unknowable. However, sometimes our claims of ignorance are really attempts to avoid, hide, or stay on the sidelines. So, when is saying “I don’t know” causing you more harm than good?

When you’re saying it to avoid expressing your opinion. Some people have difficulty expressing an opinion about even small things such as dinner or weekend plans. Backing away from saying what you think denies people the opportunity to learn about who you really are. Even if you need a few minutes to decide, take the time to respond with an answer that confidently reflects your desires, personality, and interests.

It can also be intimidating to find yourself in a conversation where you don’t know a lot about the discussion topic. If your opinion is solicited in such a situation, try saying something like “I’m not familiar with this subject, can you give me some background information?” That way you learn something new, you let people know you are paying attention, and you keep everyone on their toes by asking to clarify and verify what is being discussed.

If you’re saying it because you’re afraid to be wrong. In learning situations, we often think we’re the only ones who feel intimidated or nervous, or fear there will be mocking and finger-pointing if we say the wrong thing. But many times, we don’t discover the right answer unless we stumble through many wrong ones.

Every time you’re asked a question in a learning environment, it’s a chance to let the instructor know how much you are retaining, and perhaps what needs to be reviewed more carefully. If you aren’t sure, offering an answer with an explanation of why you think that way helps you become an active participant in your own learning process. Chances are, you’ll be helping fellow students understand the content better as well.

When it is about some level of self-awareness you should be aware of by now, or at least have a good theory or two. We have the ability to formulate ideas about why we do or don’t behave in certain ways. If you are saying “I don’t know” to such questions as “why do you go back to him when he hits you,” “why are you always in trouble,” or “why don’t you change your high-risk lifestyle habits,” maybe it’s time to explore some of those underlying causes. Maybe there are some self-esteem issues, maybe a secret needs to be revealed and vanquished, maybe you lack tools to behave any other way.

If people who love you are being direct about your dangerous behavior, this is a chance for self-improvement and enlightenment. There is no need to deny your capacity for personal insight. You will likely not come up with all the answers right away, but making a cautious guess gives you a specific direction to explore that might benefit you in the long run.

The more we take risks and venture out of our comfort zones, the more likely we are to have a valid reason to say “I don’t know.” But there is so much we do or can know, and there are many times when taking a guess, even if it’s wrong, builds wisdom, confidence, and self-respect. Onward!

Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. For questions or to schedule a free consultation, please contact Nancy at 208-406-3234 or goodnanc@yahoo.com. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com.