Mistakes!

Published in the ISJ and BMN week starting Sunday, May 16, 2010

I'm not a fan of making mistakes, not even little ones, and I’m not very good at immediately framing mistakes as “positive learning experiences.” But to err is human, and if we aren’t goofing up every now and then we aren’t growing. So, when I make a mistake, I try and say to myself, “Thank goodness! Another one of those out of the way.” And then take some deep breaths, learn something, focus on my positive core, and celebrate my accomplishments.

Some mistakes I’ve made are small, run-of-the-mill things. I got something wrong in some paperwork. I forgot to mail a bill. I had to learn about deer-resistant bulbs the hard way. But some of my oopsies have been more significant. Big relationship mistakes, mostly--being single wasn’t easy. Some mistakes I’ve made, looking back from a very safe, emotionally recovered distance, still make me want to slap my head, laugh, and say “what was I thinking?”

Joseph Campbell says “It is by going into the abyss that you discover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.” Mistakes toughen us up, give us insight into our personality glitches, and provide the opportunity to examine our choices and experiment with making different ones. But they also expose our areas of development with floodlight intensity and can make us feel very vulnerable, fearful, intimidated, and insecure. That’s not a fun place to be, ever. Especially if we have the sick feeling we’ve been in that same place before.

There’s a fine line between spending too little and too much time evaluating mistakes that occur in life. Sometimes we’re too freaked out to admit anything has run amiss at all, and sometimes we spend way too much time in punishing self-loathing. Either path takes us away from the treasure of lessons, insights, and new possibilities that mistakes offer us.

Years ago, I was introduced to the book “Everyday Sacred” by Sue Bender. One small paragraph has held my attention all these years when I think of the mistakes I have made and the mistakes I am destined to make in the future. In “Everyday Sacred,” Bender says:

“Long before I started thinking about begging bowls and everyday sacred, I saw a strikingly handsome Japanese tea bowl that had been broken and pieced together. The image of that bowl made a lasting impression. Instead of trying to hide the flaws, the cracks were emphasized—filled with silver. The bowl was even more precious after it had been mended.”

We all have cracks. Cracks caused by the carelessness of other people, cracks we created ourselves by making negative choices, or by making good choices and not having things turn out the way we expected. Cracks from when we have fallen, cracks caused by mistakes. Life, perhaps, has a tendency to spiral over the same issue over and over again, and we may find ourselves stumbling over the exact same trouble spots in different forms throughout our lives. While we work on smoothing out those bumps and ridges, apply an artist’s eye to see how they enhance who we are.

Don’t be afraid to evaluate your mistakes and missteps with compassion and curiosity, and don’t be afraid to then let them go. Mistakes teach us a little something about ourselves, but only if we don’t insist on holding on to them. With empty hands, you can then focus on adorning yourself in silver, and applying the lessons life’s mistakes provide. Onward!

Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. For questions or to schedule a free consultation, please contact Nancy at 208-478-1414 or goodnanc@yahoo.com. http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com.