Top Ten Ways to Enjoy a Fabulous Single Life Until You Meet the One--#8

Published in the Idaho State Journal on Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy Valentine's Day, all you singles! Ah, Valentine's Day—when I was single I used to say this holiday was invented to knock down all the single people who managed to survive New Year's Eve. However, I've always enjoyed Valentine's Day as a holiday that honors the emotion of love—considering the feelings that are cultivated most other days of the year.

I've been working on a list I started several years ago called “Top Ten Ways to Enjoy a Fabulous Single Life Until You Meet The One.” Originally penned while I was still single, #10 is, “Take every opportunity to go out (or stay in), even if it's by yourself,” and #9 is “Get adopted by happy, healthy couples.” In honor of this day where it is most important to remember “it is better to be single than be in a relationship that makes you miserable,” #8 poses this question: How well does the romantic partner fit in with your amazing friends and family who love you and want you to be happy?

During the times you are dating someone, remember you had a life before you had your new special friend. Somewhere in that life, even if it was lonely at times, there were fun close friends or family, activities you participated in that you enjoyed, and zero romantic relationship stress.

Consider whether the object of your affection fits in with this well-established and positive life of yours. Can you visualize this person kicking back with your friends and family and having a good time? Is there friendliness and genuine interest in making a good impression on the people who are important to you? In the dating dance, it's also important to be aware of those in your social and family circles who will never be impressed by anyone, are always critical or judgmental, or exist in a hurricane of drama. It's always good to have solid boundaries and a solid plan for dealing with these individuals, lest your date run away screaming into the hills if they know what is good for them.

In general, consider if this new person fills in the spaces of your happy life, or do you see yourself ultimately having to divide your time because something isn't quite right. She's impolite. He’s insecure. The liquor cabinet is drained before you take off your coat. Yes, there are compromises to make in all relationships, social habits will change, and healthy couples need to honor individual quirks and differences. But be aware if the general flow of your life starts to feel disrupted—are you more isolated than you want to be, do group gatherings breed conflict--and question whether that social change is really going to work for you in the long-run.

If something doesn’t feel right to you, if you are feeling confused and conflicted, the people you want to heed are your supportive friends and family. They know you, they know your blind spots, and while many love interests might not, they will always have your long-term happiness in mind.

A permanent romantic relationship is only going to come around once (or twice, or three times, if that's what it takes). Heartbreak and disappointment are often par for the course, but it's not normal to feel these things while you are actually involved with someone. Trust your instincts to be your guide, and let a sane life, single or not, always be the priority. Onward!

BIO: Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. For questions or to schedule a free consultation (in person or over the telephone), please contact Nancy at 208-478-1414 or goodnanc@yahoo.com.