Assert yourself!

Published in the Idaho State Journal on Sunday, January 31, 2010


What is assertiveness? What does it mean to be assertive?

Assertive communication is a direct and polite way of expressing your true feelings without any manipulation or disguise. Who wants to do that, when feelings are so easily cloaked in hostility and resentment or disregarded altogether?

The ability to be assertive is rooted in beliefs and feelings we have about ourselves—beliefs that are often full of flaws, and do us no good. Fear and self-esteem issues can undermine the most earnest attempts at assertiveness. For many people, the biggest problem with assertiveness isn't the conversations we have with other people, it's the conversations we have with ourselves. Happy little chats like “I'm a bad person,” “I'll never make it,” or “you're not good enough,” perhaps in the voice of an abusive parent or romantic partner, often run on autopilot just under the radar of our active consciousness. These self-esteem and fear concerns—that we're not worthy, that we'll end up living in a cardboard box—can block any long-term attempt at standing up for ourselves.

Especially since it's been terribly convenient for everyone in your life for you to remain exactly the way you are—and your attempts to make your life better will likely ruin theirs, and they will be sure to let you know it. It should be expected that there will be some resistance to your assertive behavior, and in the assertiveness game, everyone has a chance to speak their peace. So while you still have to hear what others are saying, here are some communication strategies you can use to help your thoughts and feelings be heard:

Broken Record. The broken record is where you simply repeat your request, over and over. This strategy can work well when dealing with customer-service issues over the counter or over the telephone. By staying calm and keeping it simple, you don't create any reasons for someone to avoid helping you or addressing your needs.

Fogging. If someone is being critical of you or your behavior, fogging disempowers your critic by partially agreeing with them. A simple phrase such as “you know, you may be right about that” might bring an amusing end to any you-bashing parade. I'd make popcorn--and begin to take responsibility for your strengths and weaknesses as you, and only you, see them.

Time-out. It is a rare day when you have to respond to someone's request immediately. Giving yourself a “let me think about it and get back to you tomorrow” decision-making time-out creates space to decide exactly what you want to do, and how to go about making sure you get to do it. Time-outs can also help if a conversation is getting heated by putting a hold on the discussion until everyone is calm and ready to listen to you.

It's important to get to know your feelings, and get comfortable sharing that information with others—if you are feeling angry, if you are feeling frustrated, if you are feeling hurt. Much of assertiveness is taking charge of letting people know how something is making you feel, providing the opportunity for change, and staying true to yourself while people adjust, or don't, to your new life expectations. There will always be situations where we'll have to assert ourselves; and with every success, it gets a little easier. Onward!



BIO: Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. For questions or to schedule a free consultation (in person or over the telephone), please contact Nancy at 208-478-1414 or goodnanc@yahoo.com http://vocatusidaho.blogspot.com