Published in the Idaho State Journal...recently, I think.
A few months ago, I introduced my list of “top-10 ways to enjoy a fabulous single life until you meet the one” with # 10—Take every opportunity there is to go out (or stay in), even if it's by yourself. This list was compiled after many years of extensive field research on the life of single people. Actually, the life one single person—me. While not exactly Sex and the City with the studded snow tires, micro-fleece, and helmet-head, I did pick up some valuable life lessons as I stumbled around singlehood. Many of these lessons have helped me significantly with other life challenges that have emerged in my early married years—the added bonus of getting happiness “in spite of” mostly figured out for oneself. So let's continue with the # 9 way to enjoy a fabulous single life until you meet the one: Get adopted by happy, healthy couples.
Whether you have relatives across the country or across the street, seek out and develop relationships with couples who also consider you family. Embrace your role as a third wheel when you are invited to join in their healthy, happy lives, and take notes. It's true there is a private life in every relationship that isn't shown to others— and sometimes what might appear healthy on the surface may, behind closed doors, be another story. But we can't know that; all we can do is observe and learn from what is shown to us.
Couples are sometimes on different social planets than singles, so dates with a happy, healthy couple might include dinner at 6 at Chuck-e Cheese so the kids can be in bed by 8, or a mellow Friday night at someone's home enjoying a meal that wasn't delivered in a thermal sleeve. But what do these total bores look like? How do they treat each other? Is there equity and mutual support? Is the compassion, kindness, and laughter?
Ideally, a relationship with a romantic partner creates a united front against the rest of the world. Life's hard enough without there being undue stress or discomfort within your relationships. In my single days, I found much solace being around such couples who had the ability to use the strength and support from each other to tackle challenges coming from the outside.
There are few better ways to develop a distaste for partners who don’t treat you well, or who leave you unsatisfied emotionally, physically, intellectually or spiritually than to regularly expose yourself to relationships that seem to work. Hanging out with happy, healthy couples pulls back the curtain to see what happens long after the engagement rings and rehearsal dinners, if those even occur at all. My suspicion is there is a lot of lounge wear and no makeup.
Singlehood, like anything, is about balance—balancing friendships, and balancing what you expose yourself to in your social circles. If you only surround yourself with people who have experienced dramatic, mistake-ridden relationships that have gone down in flames, how will you learn what a good relationship looks like? There is certainly solace in any positive, supportive friendship, and I by no means suggest that you abandon your friends who have been unlucky in love. But look around, and see if you can also socialize with people who will show you what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship; bumps, arguments, challenges, grief, and all.
The only thing worse than being miserably single is being miserable in a relationship where you are being treated badly or feel you have sold yourself short. So let your happily partnered friends help you maintain high standards for yourself, and help you identify what should be present in a successful, joyous relationship. Onward!
BIO: Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor and life/career coach. For questions or to schedule a free consultation (in-person or over the telephone), please contact Nancy at 208-478-1414 or goodnanc@yahoo.com.
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