Happy New Year

Published in the Idaho State Journal on Sunday, January 3, 2010

I love good therapy humor. And I love classic Saturday Night Live—but I sure hope Stuart Smalley hasn't permanently tainted some of the more useful mental health tools out there. When the image of Minnesota governor Al Franken in a light-blue cardigan pops up at the thought of affirmations and other positive self-talk, it's time to “trace it, face it, and erase it.” Because these tools can be as much a key to goal-setting and serenity as anything else.

It's time for New Year's resolutions, and the best resolution you can possibly make this year, or any year, is to be kinder to yourself. Hasn't the first decade of the second millennium shown us enough pain, uncertainty, pressure, and negativity?

Being kind to oneself isn't about buying a new pair of shoes, taking a long bubble-bath, or hiking up a mountain. Self-care is diminished if you're back to beating yourself up and being fearful before your hair is dry. Re-wiring your thinking patterns—the actual thoughts you have--is an ongoing, lifelong process, and it can be difficult to maintain at first.

A very common emotional wellness strategy is that of “thought stopping.” When you catch yourself having negative thoughts, in your mind you yell “stop,” throw up a hand, or flash an image of a stop sign, until the negative thought disappears. But, like a toddler being caught playing under the kitchen sink, unless something safe, bright, and shiny is offered as a replacement activity, we'll be heading back for the nice-smelling chemicals soon enough.

Thoughts about things we have no control over, such as getting caught up in the bad economy, being single, or the past in general, often causes us to belly-flop painfully into the deeper pools of our self-esteem and fear issues—and who has time for that when there is a life to live? Enter affirmations, gratitude lists, drawings, or anything else we can craft on paper to use in our arsenal against personal negativity.

I like to employ a three-on-one strategy when I'm having a hard time keeping my head screwed on straight. I write down, on a piece of paper, all the ridiculous, irrational negative thoughts and beliefs I might be inclined to have because of one situation or another. I'm not worthy, I'm a monster, I'm broken, blah blah. And I deny myself permission to have those thoughts any more. Then, for every negative thought or belief, I write down three hopeful, confident, distracting, or spirited thoughts that I want to focus on instead. And I review those positive thoughts, over and over and over, until the main ones are easily remembered. Finally, I put the piece of paper in my pocket or my wallet, where it stays to gently protect, remind, and center me until the urge to be a drama queen passes.

The process of getting kind with one's self will be different for everyone, and no matter what the strategy is, it will require practice and a genuine distaste for misery for anything to really work. The truth is, you are good enough, you are smart enough, and doggone it, people do like you. So why not make 2010 the year you really begin to enjoy that reality, because it is out there, waiting to be recognized. Onward!

BIO: Nancy Goodman is a licensed counselor with an emphasis on life and career coaching. For questions or to schedule a free consultation (in-person or over the telephone), please contact Nancy at 208-478-1414 or goodnanc@yahoo.com.